Eskimo Kisses

America, FUCK YEAH!

LONDON - Oil prices jumped by more than $1 a barrel Monday following a production shutdown at an Alaskan oil field that accounts for almost 8 percent of U.S. production.

Go Alaska. It's your birthday. You're gonna party hard like it's your birthday.


Like your white snow? Like all that shit? Enjoy crab pods?

I don't, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we're taking care of our own again.

Now, if killing a few Islamic "Fundamentalist" who lacked a strong father figure is worth a bunch of Eskimos licking each other's manginas, that's cool. Just stop calling that shit a crusade. You preachers out there are sickening. Stop pushing your political views in with your preaching. You preach the word of the lord and that's a beautiful thing. This wasn't a war on Islam. It's a war on Terror. Stopping bullies from becoming bigger bullies. Checks and balances. Lean in, lean back. I think I heard that in a hip hop song once.

Now, if you heard about those problems in Tikrit or wherever the hell that's at. Remember.

Democrazy is so dope.

Kudos to you sir. Hustlin' cats for bigger fish.

That Crab Fisherman show on Discovery is a good show.

Elian Gonzales: Insurgent

Little Brother is watching.

So, Fidel Castro is sick and has to have a little boy to say "hang in there guy!".
That's sickeningly cute. I'm sure a quarter of you remember who Elian Gonzales is, he's a bitch boy with a love of Disney ears. What are Disney ears good for Walt?

Handle Bars for forced Mouth Rape!
Sure, if this was a "Free"/FREE! world. Elian Gonzales wouldn't have had to float around on a raft with the rotting corpse of his dead mother laying next to him.. or whatever... just to see the Magic Kingdom.

Belinda Carlisle once said, "oooooooooooo Baby, do you know what that's worth? We'll make heaven a place on earth".

If Elian Gonzales wanted to go to Disney World, he should have been concerned for Fidel Castro's health a long time ago. Then they would have made a spickitacular Mouse with a taint tickling beard and an obvious oral fixation.

But either way, Elian Gonzales learned a true tale of American Hardship, and now he's better for it. He also got a chance to get the fuck out before it was too late to make a difference.

America, Fuck yeah.

I still want our god damn American mouth raping ears back, kid. I'm sure I can convince some Indonesians to turn it into some shoes. I'll give it back to some Cubans. I believe in paying it forward too.

Just remember, the only reason Elian Gonzales isn't an "American", is because a bunch of bleeding heart liberals and a bunch of conservative Florida white trash wanted a few votes. I think. I was pretty young back then. Whatever. That place is gator country and I've always been a Dolphin fan. Free Ricky! The communist dictators to the north have him. I think that's my new platform.

Remember, kid. It's all about people loving people. Now love your people as I love all of mine.

;-)

Bumming it for Bum's sake.

not done yet.

Amnesty International is for Fags

BEIRUT, Lebanon - Israeli warplanes repeatedly bombed Beirut's southern suburbs and pounded other areas of Lebanon on Monday, killing at least 15 people. Fierce fighting between Israeli soldiers and Hezbollah guerrillas in south Lebanon killed one soldier, the army said.

I was watching the news this morning, and I heard some shti about Amnesty International.

Kill em with kindness and you don't get a big banner for yourself to show all your friends? That's dumb. That's really dumb. Double dumb. Some would say that I'm talking double negatives. For you math wiz kids out there, I failed Algebra... X amount... of times.

I don't know what the fuck that's all about, but it shouldn't matter. It's obviously gay.

I'm a little worried about being forced to go there and kill a bunch of people I don't know in some sort of Bizarro crusades. Last time I checked, not a lot of people are really into getting that fat cash from Tin trade in Mongolia.

I do know that I have a Lebanese-American friend and he has a funny shaped nose. Other than that, he's a good friend. I'll have him know that it's not about Hezbollah and Israel. It's about how I think they should just shut up and kiss each other. Neither one of them are all that Christiany. Hell, the Islam bible is all in scribllebilly and I hear it's backwards. Whatever the fuck that's about.

But I must admit, that Condi Rice sure has been making a lot of sense lately. She must be one of the good ones. That's what my Grandfather would say.

;)

read the classics before you listen to the contemps.

But if you're gay for the middle east. Give till you asshole bleeds to Amnestiy International. Just wrap it up, I hear that's how Tim Duncan got all pale. That's how a virus spreads. Fucking.

DIRK IS THE 4th reich. I learned that from a Mexican and a bunch of other drunk Mexicans.

Bum.

Lion Eats Christian

In the grand tradition of Christians being fed to lions. A big lion ate some Christian.
KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.


It gets better.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."



This is hard for me to understand, I am neither Christian nor European. I am a Muslim in training that's still tackling that whole "God" part. I'm not sure if white people's "god" has lion powers, but I'm fairly certain that the one true God doesn't need some asshole picking fights with lions in his name. Lions are big dumb animals with sharp teeth. I don't think they are aware of a divine presence. They're lions. They only like killing things and doing other various lion activities. Unlike human prison, lions don't find religion in the zoo. They find jerk off Filipino kids throwing rocks at them while calling them funny looking. That's no way for a proud hunter to live.

That wheel chair guy on Oz once said, "to kill is as natural as the need to procreate". If this is true, then the lion only did what the situation called for. It's not like she was going to fuck him. That would just be weird. I'm not even sure lions find Ukrainian people hot.

Enough about the beliefs or disbelief of our maned enemy and her natural instinct. It's time to talk about God.

Does God favor the lion over man? Why didn't God use his God powers to strike down that lion before it could harm him? If God starts showing more love to lions, what will become of us? Will the lion species rise up and enslave humanity like some sort of bizarre Planet of the Apes scenario?

Probably not.

There are two quick answers here,

A) God doesn't exist.
B) God has better things to do than to protect some dildo from getting eaten by a lion.

I've said many times that I'm agnostic. I feel the same way about God that I do about most things in my life, "eh, whatever dude. That shit's probably gay". However, I'm not sure if it's all the books on Islam I'm reading or the fact that I'm super stoned right now, but I'm more inclined to believe option B at present time. That man was insane. God doesn't need that sort of thing. A bored weirdo with a death wish is not a messenger of God. You know, unless I start saying that. I'm the exception that proves the rule.


Coming soon, lion encounter survival guide.

130 Students Suspended for Protesting

ENNIS, Texas -- Some students will not be allowed into Ennis High School's senior prom tonight.

School officials said the students won’t be allowed to attend because they were suspended for taking part in immigration protests earlier this week.

As many as 130 students at Ennis High School, Ennis Junior High and the Sixth Grade Center were suspended Friday for taking part in Thursday's march.

First, I should congratulate these students for wanting to make a point. I'm sure a couple of them were genuine. 128 of those students just wanted to walk out of class. Personally, I love Mexicans and I hope they get to stay.

Second, I must remind everyone that when you decide to become a revolutionary, you must prepare for the scorn of society. I consider myself the greatest revolutionary to ever walk the face of the earth. The problem is that I'm to lazy to walk that much. Instead of actually doing stuff, I just sort of sit around and throw empty diet soda pop cans at Fox News. I'm prepared for when I have to deal with Bill O'Reilly and his evil Fox security team. Viva Revolution!


I'm sorry that the fine students of Ennis High School had to suffer, but they should remember that you don't need some school event as an excuse to dress in tux and dance. You can even skip the schoool event and just start the night with unprotected underage sex and beer. That's how I spend all my evenings. That's why they won't let me live near a school anymore. Fuckin' fascism man.

You can't stop fighting the system though. People like me depend on more active people to deliver a message we probably believe in. Start some shit. Rouse some rabble. Play Grand Theft Auto III and listen to some Metallica MP3s that you stole off the internet while smoking a blunt. Be a Revolutionary. Be like Che. Che Guevara was a revolutionary. Now, he's on T-shirts. Only cool people get their faces on shirts. That means that he had a pretty cool life. It was great, aside from that part where the CIA and the Bolivian executed him. The Ennis High School student body got off easy. They only missed out on their prom. That's not that bad.

Presidents Should Shit in Toilets Like the Rest of Us.

CLEVELAND - Beginning the fourth year of an unpopular war, President Bush defended his Iraq record on Monday against skeptical questioning. He said he could "understand people being disheartened" but appealed to Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress.

Half of me understands this. Often times, it is completely necessary to hurt the ones you love. Like that time that cunt wife of yours left the grits on the stove so you had to head butt in the face. That's just like Iraq only without the violent insurgents with AK-47s and sand all over the place.

The other half of me is completely apathetic. I don't care right now. I'd rather be playing Fight Night Round 3 while figuring out how I can masturbate to internet porn at the same time. It can be done and I intend to perfect it. Iraq doesn't further my x-box boxing ability nor does it give me any sexual healing. It's actually pretty depressing. I smoke pot to forget depression. That's my foreign policy.

The last half of me thinks that this President would take a shit on an apple pie. Then he'd tell people to not look at the shit, and that they should just enjoy the apple pie. That's disgusting. People that shit on food are disgusting. I do not want a President that shits on food. Some people may argue that he's shitting freedom turds onto the Iraqi toilet and that Iraq is not a food. You people are correct. Iraq is not food. It's a country. Why can't the President just shit in a toilet like normal people? I beg you Mr. President, please use a toilet. We don't want those god damn Commies from China thinking we have some nut bag that shits on foods all the time running our show. Fuck that. Fuck them.

Iraq, Fox News, Curfews, and Squirrels (an illness induced rant)

Fox News is wacky. All 24 hour news stations are pretty shitty for the most part but Fox News is the only one that actually makes me laugh.

As you all know. Iraq is a clusterfuck. It's an even bigger clusterfuck now that Civil war is breaking out. Here are some examples of the wackiness.

Iraq is slipping into a state of low-level civil war, and troops in the U.S.-led foreign coalition will probably need to stay for some time to help keep peace among rival ethnic and religious groups, Britain's former ambassador to the country said Sunday.

***

In the chaos that followed the bombing of a Shiite shrine in Samarra north of Baghdad on Wednesday, Shiite residents of the diverse community and members of a feared militia stormed the (Sunni) mosque and adorned it with black, red and green Shiite prayer flags. They closed the street to vehicles and renamed the mosque after Imam Ali, who was the son-in-law of the prophet Muhammad and is particularly revered by Shiites.

***

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Violence killed at least 29 people Sunday, including three American soldiers, and mortar fire rumbled through the heart of Baghdad after sundown despite stringent security measures imposed after an explosion of sectarian violence.

I know that Muslim related violence in Iraq isn't a new concept. It hasn't been a new concept for over 20 years. Our involvement with the "Iraqi Freedom movement" has further irritated a region that was probably on the brink of Civil war. Is it too late to have Saddam come back and slap some sense in some people? You can say what you will about his genocide, but the man wasn't afraid to slap down suckahs.

None of this matters. To me, Iraq has become the same stories told over and over again. I don't really care what the story is anymore. I focus more on the way it's told. Fox News and MSNBC never disappoint.

How can Fox News declare that our President is being credited with spreading peace in that region while MSNBC is reporting three separate acts of violence? One of these news organizations are obviously lying. I'm not going to say which one I suspect, but I will say that they also run "Condoleezza Rice is a great person" updates everyday. The Iraqi government declared the curfew and vehicle ban that was suppose to deter acts of massive violence. I know that the "Iraqi" government is probably made up of a combination of black ops operatives and oil executives but we're suppose to believe that it's run by Jalal Talabani and his homeboys. I don't trust Talabani. It's too similar to Taliban.

Baghdad's streets are almost deserted after Iraq's government put the capital and three provinces under curfew to halt sectarian violence.

I also don't understand how people could think that a curfew would keep people from committing more acts of violence. Curfews don't work for bastard American teenagers who just want to smoke drugs with their friends. Why do they think it's going to work for insane zealots dedicated to killing their fellow countrymen and the blue eyed devil invaders? It wouldn't work. It didn't work. Teenage girls still get knocked up by their slack jawed idiot boyfriends and Iraqis still kill Iraqis.

NOTE: There is a squirrel outside my window and that's pretty cool. It has a nut in it's mouth. Like a gay guy... nut. Haha.

Dick Cheney Hunts Human Beings

I've warned you people for years. Everyone thought I was insane. Well, fuck all of you. Dick Cheney hunts people.

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

I suppose some anti-gun nut could use this as an argument for gun control. I think this is the first time I have ever been proud of anybody involved with the Bush regime.

It's refreshing to know that we have a vice president that wouldn't hesitate to put a cap in an ass. Saddam was a total pussy. He went with his American captors without a fight. If Cheney was being captured by some communist commandos, he wouldn't vagina it up like Saddam. He'd do a rail of coke, grab a shot gun, and Tony Montana it up.

I realize that my admiration for the violent tendencies of our vice president is a little silly. We must accept and respect the fact that Dick Cheney's thirst for human souls can not be quenched. He will kill.

Do you know where your children are right now?

You better pray to whatever god you make your checks to that your snot nosed kids are safe in their beds. Dick Cheney is the new boogy man. Only this one is for real.

How to survive a Dick Cheney Encounter.

1. You must remain calm. Seeing Dick Cheney is a truly frightening experience but you must be careful that you don't have any sudden movements. You could startle the vice president and he could us his mighty jaw to snap your neck.

2. Calm Dick Cheney. Let him know that you're not a threat. Back away slowly with your open hands in front of you. Speak to Dick Cheney in a soothing voice. Dick Cheney obviously doesn't understand English so it doesn't matter what you say to him. Just say it calmly. I urge you to keep it clean though. Don't run. This could excite Dick Cheney enough for him to chase you. You won't outrun him. Trust me.

3. If you do run. Throw something to the side while running. This might distract the vice president allowing for your escape. Anything that you might bring on a camping trip (camera, baby, or bottle of gin) might work.

4. Do not climb a tree. Dick Cheney is a very agile climber. He's like Spiderman and Batman's bastard son.

5. When he does catch you, drop to the ground in the fetal position. Stay silent and don't move. Roll with the movement of Dick Cheney's attacks but keep your hands behind your neck. Maintain fetal position at all cost.

6. Stay silent and motionless for at least half an hour once Dick Cheney leaves. He will often watch in the distance and return at the first sign of life.

7. Fighting back is a last option. If you do fight Dick Cheney. Attack his eyes. It's difficult because of his glasses but this is his only weakness. Kicking Dick Cheney in the nuts will only make him angry. You wouldn't like him if he was angry.

Green Glowing Pigs are Evil

Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that "glow in the dark".

They claim that while other researchers have bred partly fluorescent pigs, theirs are the only pigs in the world which are green through and through.

I think it's quite appropriate for us to see just how far we haven't gotten since the death of Martin Luther King around MLK day. Evil people are trying to create menthol flavored pork in a plan to increase heart disease in black men. My brothers, just say "no" to green pork.

This can be hard. I too know the temptation of the snouted variety. There were many nights where I shook in a cold sweat in my bed with visions of pigs having sex in a frying pan. That was when I decided that I needed to go to therapy again. It's been a week. I've had no bacon. If I can do it, the black males of the United States can do it. Though, I know how to be quiet during a movie and they don't.

Fight the power. Say "no" to menthol flavored pork. One love.

Thanks to R.U. Serious for sending me that story.