Team Wilco: News & Comments

Eskimo Kisses

2006-08-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

LONDON - Oil prices jumped by more than $1 a barrel Monday following a production shutdown at an Alaskan oil field that accounts for almost 8 percent of U.S. production.

Go Alaska. It's your birthday. You're gonna party hard like it's your birthday.

Like your white snow? Like all that shit? Enjoy crab pods?

I don't, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we're taking care of our own again.

Now, if killing a few Islamic "Fundamentalist" who lacked a strong father figure is worth a bunch of Eskimos licking each other's manginas, that's cool. Just stop calling that shit a crusade. You preachers out there are sickening. Stop pushing your political views in with your preaching. You preach the word of the lord and that's a beautiful thing. This wasn't a war on Islam. It's a war on Terror. Stopping bullies from becoming bigger bullies. Checks and balances. Lean in, lean back. I think I heard that in a hip hop song once.

Now, if you heard about those problems in Tikrit or wherever the hell that's at. Remember.

Democrazy is so dope.

Kudos to you sir. Hustlin' cats for bigger fish.

That Crab Fisherman show on Discovery is a good show.

Elian Gonzales: Insurgent

2006-08-07T06:28:00.001-07:00

Little Brother is watching.

So, Fidel Castro is sick and has to have a little boy to say "hang in there guy!".
That's sickeningly cute. I'm sure a quarter of you remember who Elian Gonzales is, he's a bitch boy with a love of Disney ears. What are Disney ears good for Walt?

Handle Bars for forced Mouth Rape!
Sure, if this was a "Free"/FREE! world. Elian Gonzales wouldn't have had to float around on a raft with the rotting corpse of his dead mother laying next to him.. or whatever... just to see the Magic Kingdom.

Belinda Carlisle once said, "oooooooooooo Baby, do you know what that's worth? We'll make heaven a place on earth".

If Elian Gonzales wanted to go to Disney World, he should have been concerned for Fidel Castro's health a long time ago. Then they would have made a spickitacular Mouse with a taint tickling beard and an obvious oral fixation.

But either way, Elian Gonzales learned a true tale of American Hardship, and now he's better for it. He also got a chance to get the fuck out before it was too late to make a difference.

America, Fuck yeah.

I still want our god damn American mouth raping ears back, kid. I'm sure I can convince some Indonesians to turn it into some shoes. I'll give it back to some Cubans. I believe in paying it forward too.

Just remember, the only reason Elian Gonzales isn't an "American", is because a bunch of bleeding heart liberals and a bunch of conservative Florida white trash wanted a few votes. I think. I was pretty young back then. Whatever. That place is gator country and I've always been a Dolphin fan. Free Ricky! The communist dictators to the north have him. I think that's my new platform.

Remember, kid. It's all about people loving people. Now love your people as I love all of mine.

;-)

Bumming it for Bum's sake.

not done yet.

Amnesty International is for Fags

2006-08-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

BEIRUT, Lebanon - Israeli warplanes repeatedly bombed Beirut's southern suburbs and pounded other areas of Lebanon on Monday, killing at least 15 people. Fierce fighting between Israeli soldiers and Hezbollah guerrillas in south Lebanon killed one soldier, the army said.

I was watching the news this morning, and I heard some shti about Amnesty International.

Kill em with kindness and you don't get a big banner for yourself to show all your friends? That's dumb. That's really dumb. Double dumb. Some would say that I'm talking double negatives. For you math wiz kids out there, I failed Algebra... X amount... of times.

I don't know what the fuck that's all about, but it shouldn't matter. It's obviously gay.

I'm a little worried about being forced to go there and kill a bunch of people I don't know in some sort of Bizarro crusades. Last time I checked, not a lot of people are really into getting that fat cash from Tin trade in Mongolia.

I do know that I have a Lebanese-American friend and he has a funny shaped nose. Other than that, he's a good friend. I'll have him know that it's not about Hezbollah and Israel. It's about how I think they should just shut up and kiss each other. Neither one of them are all that Christiany. Hell, the Islam bible is all in scribllebilly and I hear it's backwards. Whatever the fuck that's about.

But I must admit, that Condi Rice sure has been making a lot of sense lately. She must be one of the good ones. That's what my Grandfather would say.

;)

read the classics before you listen to the contemps.

But if you're gay for the middle east. Give till you asshole bleeds to Amnestiy International. Just wrap it up, I hear that's how Tim Duncan got all pale. That's how a virus spreads. Fucking.

DIRK IS THE 4th reich. I learned that from a Mexican and a bunch of other drunk Mexicans.

Bum.

Lion Eats Christian

2006-06-06T01:43:00.000-07:00

In the grand tradition of Christians being fed to lions. A big lion ate some Christian.
KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

It gets better.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

This is hard for me to understand, I am neither Christian nor European. I am a Muslim in training that's still tackling that whole "God" part. I'm not sure if white people's "god" has lion powers, but I'm fairly certain that the one true God doesn't need some asshole picking fights with lions in his name. Lions are big dumb animals with sharp teeth. I don't think they are aware of a divine presence. They're lions. They only like killing things and doing other various lion activities. Unlike human prison, lions don't find religion in the zoo. They find jerk off Filipino kids throwing rocks at them while calling them funny looking. That's no way for a proud hunter to live.

That wheel chair guy on Oz once said, "to kill is as natural as the need to procreate". If this is true, then the lion only did what the situation called for. It's not like she was going to fuck him. That would just be weird. I'm not even sure lions find Ukrainian people hot.

Enough about the beliefs or disbelief of our maned enemy and her natural instinct. It's time to talk about God.

Does God favor the lion over man? Why didn't God use his God powers to strike down that lion before it could harm him? If God starts showing more love to lions, what will become of us? Will the lion species rise up and enslave humanity like some sort of bizarre Planet of the Apes scenario?

Probably not.

There are two quick answers here,

A) God doesn't exist.
B) God has better things to do than to protect some dildo from getting eaten by a lion.

I've said many times that I'm agnostic. I feel the same way about God that I do about most things in my life, "eh, whatever dude. That shit's probably gay". However, I'm not sure if it's all the books on Islam I'm reading or the fact that I'm super stoned right now, but I'm more inclined to believe option B at present time. That man was insane. God doesn't need that sort of thing. A bored weirdo with a death wish is not a messenger of God. You know, unless I start saying that. I'm the exception that proves the rule.

Coming soon, lion encounter survival guide.

130 Students Suspended for Protesting

2006-04-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

ENNIS, Texas -- Some students will not be allowed into Ennis High School's senior prom tonight.

School officials said the students won’t be allowed to attend because they were suspended for taking part in immigration protests earlier this week.

As many as 130 students at Ennis High School, Ennis Junior High and the Sixth Grade Center were suspended Friday for taking part in Thursday's march.

First, I should congratulate these students for wanting to make a point. I'm sure a couple of them were genuine. 128 of those students just wanted to walk out of class. Personally, I love Mexicans and I hope they get to stay.

Second, I must remind everyone that when you decide to become a revolutionary, you must prepare for the scorn of society. I consider myself the greatest revolutionary to ever walk the face of the earth. The problem is that I'm to lazy to walk that much. Instead of actually doing stuff, I just sort of sit around and throw empty diet soda pop cans at Fox News. I'm prepared for when I have to deal with Bill O'Reilly and his evil Fox security team. Viva Revolution!

I'm sorry that the fine students of Ennis High School had to suffer, but they should remember that you don't need some school event as an excuse to dress in tux and dance. You can even skip the schoool event and just start the night with unprotected underage sex and beer. That's how I spend all my evenings. That's why they won't let me live near a school anymore. Fuckin' fascism man.

You can't stop fighting the system though. People like me depend on more active people to deliver a message we probably believe in. Start some shit. Rouse some rabble. Play Grand Theft Auto III and listen to some Metallica MP3s that you stole off the internet while smoking a blunt. Be a Revolutionary. Be like Che. Che Guevara was a revolutionary. Now, he's on T-shirts. Only cool people get their faces on shirts. That means that he had a pretty cool life. It was great, aside from that part where the CIA and the Bolivian executed him. The Ennis High School student body got off easy. They only missed out on their prom. That's not that bad.

Presidents Should Shit in Toilets Like the Rest of Us.

2006-03-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

CLEVELAND - Beginning the fourth year of an unpopular war, President Bush defended his Iraq record on Monday against skeptical questioning. He said he could "understand people being disheartened" but appealed to Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress.

Half of me understands this. Often times, it is completely necessary to hurt the ones you love. Like that time that cunt wife of yours left the grits on the stove so you had to head butt in the face. That's just like Iraq only without the violent insurgents with AK-47s and sand all over the place.

The other half of me is completely apathetic. I don't care right now. I'd rather be playing Fight Night Round 3 while figuring out how I can masturbate to internet porn at the same time. It can be done and I intend to perfect it. Iraq doesn't further my x-box boxing ability nor does it give me any sexual healing. It's actually pretty depressing. I smoke pot to forget depression. That's my foreign policy.

The last half of me thinks that this President would take a shit on an apple pie. Then he'd tell people to not look at the shit, and that they should just enjoy the apple pie. That's disgusting. People that shit on food are disgusting. I do not want a President that shits on food. Some people may argue that he's shitting freedom turds onto the Iraqi toilet and that Iraq is not a food. You people are correct. Iraq is not food. It's a country. Why can't the President just shit in a toilet like normal people? I beg you Mr. President, please use a toilet. We don't want those god damn Commies from China thinking we have some nut bag that shits on foods all the time running our show. Fuck that. Fuck them.

Iraq, Fox News, Curfews, and Squirrels (an illness induced rant)

2006-02-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Fox News is wacky. All 24 hour news stations are pretty shitty for the most part but Fox News is the only one that actually makes me laugh.

As you all know. Iraq is a clusterfuck. It's an even bigger clusterfuck now that Civil war is breaking out. Here are some examples of the wackiness.

Iraq is slipping into a state of low-level civil war, and troops in the U.S.-led foreign coalition will probably need to stay for some time to help keep peace among rival ethnic and religious groups, Britain's former ambassador to the country said Sunday.

***

In the chaos that followed the bombing of a Shiite shrine in Samarra north of Baghdad on Wednesday, Shiite residents of the diverse community and members of a feared militia stormed the (Sunni) mosque and adorned it with black, red and green Shiite prayer flags. They closed the street to vehicles and renamed the mosque after Imam Ali, who was the son-in-law of the prophet Muhammad and is particularly revered by Shiites.

***

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Violence killed at least 29 people Sunday, including three American soldiers, and mortar fire rumbled through the heart of Baghdad after sundown despite stringent security measures imposed after an explosion of sectarian violence.

I know that Muslim related violence in Iraq isn't a new concept. It hasn't been a new concept for over 20 years. Our involvement with the "Iraqi Freedom movement" has further irritated a region that was probably on the brink of Civil war. Is it too late to have Saddam come back and slap some sense in some people? You can say what you will about his genocide, but the man wasn't afraid to slap down suckahs.

None of this matters. To me, Iraq has become the same stories told over and over again. I don't really care what the story is anymore. I focus more on the way it's told. Fox News and MSNBC never disappoint.

How can Fox News declare that our President is being credited with spreading peace in that region while MSNBC is reporting three separate acts of violence? One of these news organizations are obviously lying. I'm not going to say which one I suspect, but I will say that they also run "Condoleezza Rice is a great person" updates everyday. The Iraqi government declared the curfew and vehicle ban that was suppose to deter acts of massive violence. I know that the "Iraqi" government is probably made up of a combination of black ops operatives and oil executives but we're suppose to believe that it's run by Jalal Talabani and his homeboys. I don't trust Talabani. It's too similar to Taliban.

Baghdad's streets are almost deserted after Iraq's government put the capital and three provinces under curfew to halt sectarian violence.

I also don't understand how people could think that a curfew would keep people from committing more acts of violence. Curfews don't work for bastard American teenagers who just want to smoke drugs with their friends. Why do they think it's going to work for insane zealots dedicated to killing their fellow countrymen and the blue eyed devil invaders? It wouldn't work. It didn't work. Teenage girls still get knocked up by their slack jawed idiot boyfriends and Iraqis still kill Iraqis.

NOTE: There is a squirrel outside my window and that's pretty cool. It has a nut in it's mouth. Like a gay guy... nut. Haha.

Dick Cheney Hunts Human Beings

2006-02-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

I've warned you people for years. Everyone thought I was insane. Well, fuck all of you. Dick Cheney hunts people.

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

I suppose some anti-gun nut could use this as an argument for gun control. I think this is the first time I have ever been proud of anybody involved with the Bush regime.

It's refreshing to know that we have a vice president that wouldn't hesitate to put a cap in an ass. Saddam was a total pussy. He went with his American captors without a fight. If Cheney was being captured by some communist commandos, he wouldn't vagina it up like Saddam. He'd do a rail of coke, grab a shot gun, and Tony Montana it up.

I realize that my admiration for the violent tendencies of our vice president is a little silly. We must accept and respect the fact that Dick Cheney's thirst for human souls can not be quenched. He will kill.

Do you know where your children are right now?

You better pray to whatever god you make your checks to that your snot nosed kids are safe in their beds. Dick Cheney is the new boogy man. Only this one is for real.

How to survive a Dick Cheney Encounter.

1. You must remain calm. Seeing Dick Cheney is a truly frightening experience but you must be careful that you don't have any sudden movements. You could startle the vice president and he could us his mighty jaw to snap your neck.

2. Calm Dick Cheney. Let him know that you're not a threat. Back away slowly with your open hands in front of you. Speak to Dick Cheney in a soothing voice. Dick Cheney obviously doesn't understand English so it doesn't matter what you say to him. Just say it calmly. I urge you to keep it clean though. Don't run. This could excite Dick Cheney enough for him to chase you. You won't outrun him. Trust me.

3. If you do run. Throw something to the side while running. This might distract the vice president allowing for your escape. Anything that you might bring on a camping trip (camera, baby, or bottle of gin) might work.

4. Do not climb a tree. Dick Cheney is a very agile climber. He's like Spiderman and Batman's bastard son.

5. When he does catch you, drop to the ground in the fetal position. Stay silent and don't move. Roll with the movement of Dick Cheney's attacks but keep your hands behind your neck. Maintain fetal position at all cost.

6. Stay silent and motionless for at least half an hour once Dick Cheney leaves. He will often watch in the distance and return at the first sign of life.

7. Fighting back is a last option. If you do fight Dick Cheney. Attack his eyes. It's difficult because of his glasses but this is his only weakness. Kicking Dick Cheney in the nuts will only make him angry. You wouldn't like him if he was angry.

Green Glowing Pigs are Evil

2006-01-17T00:20:00.000-08:00

Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that "glow in the dark".

They claim that while other researchers have bred partly fluorescent pigs, theirs are the only pigs in the world which are green through and through.

I think it's quite appropriate for us to see just how far we haven't gotten since the death of Martin Luther King around MLK day. Evil people are trying to create menthol flavored pork in a plan to increase heart disease in black men. My brothers, just say "no" to green pork.

This can be hard. I too know the temptation of the snouted variety. There were many nights where I shook in a cold sweat in my bed with visions of pigs having sex in a frying pan. That was when I decided that I needed to go to therapy again. It's been a week. I've had no bacon. If I can do it, the black males of the United States can do it. Though, I know how to be quiet during a movie and they don't.

Fight the power. Say "no" to menthol flavored pork. One love.

Thanks to R.U. Serious for sending me that story.

Killers on the Road

2006-01-16T17:03:00.000-08:00

PHENIX CITY, Alabama (AP) -- Police in Alabama and Georgia searched Monday for two murder suspects who fled from an overcrowded jail after overpowering guards, wounding one with a makeshift knife, authorities said.

Searchers used tracking dogs in the hunt for Johnny Earl Jones, 17, who was charged with killing a child he was baby-sitting for, and Lamar Benton, 19, charged in the rape-slaying of a 39-year-old woman.

If only there was a way to prevent our jails from being overcrowded and under managed. I wish that somebody would come up with some sort of invention and method to help this problem. If we had that, these two scumbags wouldn't be off having gay sex in cowboy hats. I wonder if there is anything that we have that could prevent this type of ass lickery...

Oh wait, there is...

I'm not one of these crazy dudes that thinks that we should execute people for the smallest of offense but rape and child murder are two awful crimes. We have capital punishment in Texas, but we need to speed up the process. We should convert our court rooms into butcher shops. Then, we should be able to immediately execute the guilty people, turn them into sausage, and feed them to the homeless. Criminal sausage on a rye bun... yum, taste like justice to me. That would stamp out two problems with our country.

Some people will argue that the possibility of killing innocent people is too high with my plan. They prefer to have the appeal system in place. Some would even go as far as to say that capital punishment is archaic and uncivilized. Those people are hippies and beatniks. Don't trust them. Their brains have been ruined by drugs a long time ago. That's why you should listen to me. I haven't touched a drug, excluding alcohol, in at least 18 hours. That's a while.

Happy MLK Day from Google.

2006-01-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not a genius but I'm fairly certain that is a picture of a white Martin Luther King Jr. I think this is another example of white people claiming black role models as their own. They did the same thing with Jesus and Tiger Woods.

Happy Birthday to Louis Braille

2006-01-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

Guess why google's tribute to Louis Braille is completely stupid. This is like mocking somebody behind their back but only right in their face. Their stupid blind face. If any blind person is offended by this, they should protest using google. Blind people already have it bad, they're not as good as people that can see. It's like they're not even half a person. They don't need those fat google cats reminding them this. Blind people, I'm here for you. Don't touch me though, I don't want to catch the blind too.

Thanks to Gregory for bringing this to my attention.

Whales Want to Die

2006-01-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing Team Wilco hates, it's whales. If there is two things Team Wilco hates, it's whales and Greenpeace.

SYDNEY (AFP) - A new high-seas struggle between a Japanese whaling fleet and anti-whaling activists is expected to erupt within days in the icy waters of the Antarctic, a Greenpeace spokesman said.

***

The Greenpeace boats, with 57 activists on board, found the Japanese fleet of six ships on December 21 and immediately engaged in a high-risk strategy of physically trying to prevent the killing of whales.

Crew members in small inflatable boats put themselves between the harpooners and their targets -- a tactic Greenpeace expedition leader Shane Rattenbury said they intend to repeat.

"Once they try and resume whaling our plan is to try and stop them in much the same way as we were when we found them just before Christmas -- getting our small boats out there and getting between the harpoon and the whale."

I dig going out to make a difference in the world but this is a silly cause. Whales don't want to be saved. The ocean is a big place. If they really wanted to, whales could remain hidden from whalers. If I saw a bunch of Japanese guys riding around in a "Filipino hunting death machine" then I'd probably not stick around. People tell me that whales and dolphins are intelligent. If that is the case, then it's obvious that they just want to commit suicide. I'm not being ridiculous...

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Wildlife officers shot 41 pilot whales that beached on New Zealand's South Island, the Department of Conservation said.

A total of 49 whales came ashore Saturday near Farewell Spit in the second major stranding in the area within two weeks. Eight died on the beaches, and the remaining animals were shot when heavy seas prevented any attempt to refloat them.

***
"There have always been strandings at Golden Bay," he said, noting that the tide goes out as much as four miles and the animals "get trapped on this gentle sloping beach."

It seems like whales are into dying. I'm a strong believer in euthanasia. I think about suicide whenever I catch the flu. These Japanese whalers aren't monsters. They're heroes.

The real monsters are in Greenpeace. Why don't they focus on saving an animal that attempts to save itself. A turtles and rolly pollys try cover up but they still get caught. Little redneck kids pick them up, put them in a jar, and give them leaves to replicate their natural habitat. A week later, the animal is dead. I don't see Greenpeace flinging their bodies in front of rolly pollys.

Why even save animals? I believe that a person should help out those close to them before attempting to help the problems of others. Black men are a dying breed. Heart disease, murder, AIDs, and other nasty things are choking the global black community. I don't see Greenpeace trying to take on the LAPD. We all know that the LAPD is the leading killer of black males age 15 to 45. Greenpeace, WWF, and PETA doesn't care about black people.

For other Whaling fun...
Whale Burgers

Treat Your Ass Hole like a Porshe.

2005-12-15T02:39:00.000-08:00

Say hello to the newest item in ass maintenance technology. It's called a swash and it's designed to treat your ass better than you keep your face. It's a heated toilet seat that doubles as a bidet. It has a warm air dryer and it comes with a remote control. Some of you might be wonder why you nee a remote control. It's simple. It's useful for when you want to mess with your wife while she's taking a crap. I can imagine that bidet jets would be quite startling if it were to come at an unexpected time.

I know what you're thinking. Will, the swash seems like a great idea and all but it probably doesn't have any real investors. Well, sit back on your swamp ass and relax. The greatest sports franchise owner of all time, Mark Cuban, has stepped up to bat...

Brondell — named after the 18th-century inventor of the flush-valve toilet — is trying to change that with the help of a $1.3 million investment led by Mark Cuban, who became a billionaire near the peak of the dot-com boom in 1999 when he sold Broadcast.com Inc. to Yahoo Inc.

That's good. The big problem with the Swash is the price tag. It retails at $429 to $549. That's a bit pricey for something that could be mimicked with a removable shower head, blow dryer, and heating pad. People that drop 500 dollars on a toilet seat want people to know. Why hide it away in the bathroom when you can have it sitting in the middle of the den? Nothing says "I care about my the cleanliness of my ass hole" like showing everybody that stops by just how serious you are. I'm not suggesting that you should defecate while you and your buddies are watching the game but anything is fair when you're really drunk.

Naked Bible

2005-12-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German Protestant youth group has put together a 2006 calendar with 12 staged photos depicting erotic scenes from the Bible, including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Samson's hair and a nude Eve offering an apple.

I've always said that the Bible is great and all, but it just needed more titties. Finally, somebody has combined my love for scripture and masturbation. This is a wonderful union. It's beautiful.

Japanese are Lazy

2005-12-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

It's really amazing how young people in the U.S. love all things that are Japanese. All the douchebags with Kanji tattoos on their shoulders can attest to that. The unusually high number of lame smelly fan boys that spend 85% of their pay check on Anime when they should be spending that cash on cocaine and hookers is even more evidence of that fact. These are normally the same people that complain about the ridiculous amount of commercialism in America while praising everything about Japan. They fail to realize that no country is more whorish in their marketing than the land of the rising sun. Since I have no problems with being a whore, I don't see either country in poor light for that.

In Japan, it's much the same. The young Japanese population also seems to be in love with American pop culture. Now, it seems that they're adopting our lifestyle too...

TOKYO (Reuters) - Almost three-quarters of Japanese in their 20s and 30s have no motivation when it comes to their jobs and half would quit if they had the chance, a survey has found.

I can tolerate a lot. Our shallow American culture gets mocked or stolen in just about every country. However, the one thing I can not stand for is the theft of our true identities. We're lazy, unmotivated, underachieving, cry baby, Americans. Being a slacker is a truly American ideal. It didn't die with flannel and dirty long hair. It just got less press. Now, the Japanese are trying to become the new lazy Americans. I don't like it. I won't allow it. Give us back our way of life, thieves.

Review on the Saddam Trial

2005-12-05T06:31:00.000-08:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Saddam Hussein's defense team staged a brief walkout Monday, the former president railed at the judge, and the first witness took the stand to testify that Saddam's agents carried out random arrests, torture and killings in an Iraqi village as the unruly trial resumed.

***

Saddam and his half brother Barazan Ibrahim then chanted "Long live Iraq, long live the Arab state."

Ibrahim stood up and shouted: "Why don't you just execute us and get rid of all of this!"

When the judge explained that he was ruling in accordance with the law, Saddam replied: "This is a law made by America and does not reflect Iraqi sovereignty."

See? Only horrible monsters support the Spurs.
Fuck those guys.

For those of you not keeping up with the Saddam Trial, you really should. It might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. The temper tantrums that Saddam gets into is absolutely hilarious. He also has a biting wit that always keeps me on the edge of my broken office chair. If I didn't remember that he might be a horrible monster responsible for the torture and deaths of thousands, I might start to admire him. With kidnapping, murder, cat fights, court room drama, and humorous characters, this trial meshes almost all the things that people love about prime time TV. If Saddam would eat a fertilized rotten platypus egg, it would encompass everything.

A Couple of Stories so Lame that I Lumped Them Together.

2005-12-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

LYON, France - A woman who underwent the world's first partial face transplant regained consciousness 24 hours after the groundbreaking operation and her first words were "thank you," one of her doctors said Friday.

Dr. Bernard Devauchelle, one of the surgeons leading two teams who operated on the woman, said there were no post-surgical problems and she was doing fine.

That's all well and good but where are the pictures of her new face? You're a lab rat, lady. Show us the results of the procedure. I know that you needed a face transplant after a horrible dog attack. That's very sad. Now, show us your face.

In other news...

Koko the Gorilla got in trouble for telling bitches to show her their tits. Apparently, you can sue a Gorilla for sexual harassment. Whatever. Koko is famous. These chicks should have just shown their boobs. If Koko was on a stage singing "Kick Start My Heart", they'd probably have no problem showing their nipples and blowing a roadie so that they can hangout at the Koko after party. People and apes work hard to become celebrities, they should be allowed to sexually harass people from time to time. They're better than us.

School is "Too Asian"

2005-11-21T05:23:00.000-08:00

Many whites are leaving Silicon Valley public schools because they're "too Asian"

The white parents say the schools are too academically driven and too narrowly invested in subjects such as math and science at the expense of liberal arts and extracurricular like sports and other personal interests. "The two schools, put another way that parents rarely articulate so bluntly, are too Asian," reports Suein Hwang.

White people complain a lot. They complain about minorities complaining about them. They also complain when the ethnic make up of their area changes slightly. I can understand that a little. It's different and minorities are dangerous. As a minority, I won't deny this fact. When the blacks come in, they start taking all the starting spots on your kid's basketball team because of the extra muscle in their leg. When the Mexicans come, you have to be careful of chickens crossing the road and you're forced to live next door to 30 people in a single bedroom house. When the Asians come, you have to worry about your children learning "math" and "science". Oh the horror.

Don't trust a kid that can do logarithms on one hand.
Communist Spy.

Part of me wonders if these parents are even aware of where they live. Unless there is some place in Georgia named "Silicon Valley" that I've never heard of, I'm going to venture out and guess that this is the San Francisco/San Jose/Menlo Park/Northern California Silicon Valley. Just like how the Future Farmers of America would be a useful program in rural "fly-over" states, teaching the basic foundation to the computer industry would be important to the children of the dorks that work in that area of the world.

I won't completely toss away the idea that less focus should be on math and science and more on elective classes. I can think of many times where my knowledge of music, art, and wooden pen making saved my ass when math couldn't. Like when that Adam guy ate that apple and got smart, math and science have corrupted minds. If it wasn't for those two awful subjects, we wouldn't have horrible things like atom bombs, gravity, and dippin' dots ice cream. Horrible crimes committed against the world by those two scum bags.

It should be noted though that the offspring of the offspring of the early 70s semiconductor and computer-related industry boom are probably not going to be gifted athletically. I don't need to remind anybody that the only white people that are any good in the NBA are from different countries. The only shot their children have is to compete with the Asians over algorithms and synthetic division. Failing at that hurts a lot less than attempting to crash boards with the offspring of the offspring of the Black Panthers at the Oakland schools. Hell, I'm Asian and I don't even know what the hell synthetic division is but at least I haven't caught an elbow in the jaw from a 6'8'' behemoth.

Stick it in Her Nose.

2005-11-18T01:04:00.000-08:00

A new nasal spray aphrodisiac for women that works in minutes may soon hit the market, according to a Local 6 News report.

Doctors said women who used the drug PT-141 in test studies felt a tingling or throbbing followed by a strong desire to have sex immediately after spraying their noses.

We already have this. It's called cocaine and it's awesome. If you snort it with a girl, you have a 98 percent chance of nailing her. That percentage is even higher if you're inside of a bathroom stall. I know that cocaine has gotten a bad rap in the media lately. I find that odd since the majority of the people in the media do more blow than strippers. Don't believe the propaganda. Cocaine is awesome. It's perfect for those important 3 AM cleaning sessions.

Marry Me or Die!

2005-11-16T00:35:00.000-08:00

Last week, the majority of Texans that waste their time voting, voted for proposition 2, the Texas gay marriage amendment. Many believe that allowing homosexuals to get married would tarnish the sanctity of marriage. Unfortunately, there is no laws on psychopaths getting married...

A Woman whose lover set fire to her home while she and her partner slept has agreed to marry him when he is released from prison.

Cornelius Frieslick, 56, was jailed for nine months last week after he admitted putting the lives of Lorraine Gordon and Kevin Winchester in danger by starting the blaze at their flat in Aberdeen.

Angry and upset by his actions, Ms Gordon believed that she would never speak to him again. But after visiting him in prison and spending time with him, the 49-year-old has now agreed to be his wife.

I know that this story comes from Scotland and it doesn't count. We all learned in American Public schools that Scotland isn't a place worth mentioning. There is more to the story but it gets a little confusing, I'll paraphrase for you.

This old whore was banging this old dude.
This old dude's buddy, the fire starter, meets the old whore.
The old dude and old whore break up.
The old dude's buddy and the old whore start banging each other.
While she was banging the old dude's buddy, she started banging the old dude again.
The old dude's buddy finds out and breaks up with old whore.
Old dude's buddy beats the snot out of Old dude.
Old Dude's buddy gets drunk and burns the place down the next day.
The rest is history. It's another John Cusack movie story line.

This isn't the only "violent criminal marries sweetheart" story floating around though...

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. (AP) - A California woman says she still plans to marry the man who shot her and then held her hostage in his family's garage for six days.

Tina Marie Stebbins revealed her intentions in a letter released as her boyfriend, Christian Leroy Lindblad, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for shooting her in June 2002.

In her victim impact statement, Stebbins wrote -- quote -- "I love Christian today as deeply as I loved him before this awful thing happened to us."

I don't know much about the history of these two star crossed lovers, but I figure that their problems could have been solved a little better. I think we've all had our fair share of relationship troubles. While shooting your lover and taking her hostage seems like the perfect way to keep her from leaving you, well... I can't really say that it doesn't work. It did work. Crazy boyfriends out there, take note. You 17 years olds upset because your girlfriend is going away to college, drummers for local bands that are afraid your stripper girlfriends are going to leave you for people with real jobs, and you losers that want to marry the first and only girl you've fucked, kidnap her and she'll be yours forever. Sure, there is a strong chance that you'll end up in jail but she'll marry you and that's pretty damn cool.

President Bush: Stop Being an Asshole, China.

2005-11-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

KYOTO, Japan - President Bush prodded China on Wednesday to grant more political freedom to its 1.3 billion people and held up archrival Taiwan as a society that successfully moved from repression to democracy as it opened its economy.

In remarks sure to rile Beijing, Bush suggested China should follow Taiwan's path.

"Modern Taiwan is free and democratic and prosperous. By embracing freedom at all levels, Taiwan has delivered prosperity to its people and created a free and democratic Chinese society," the president said.

Mr. President, your popularity is very low right now. Why not be friendly to China? We already owe them like 272 billion gazillian dollars. I'm sure there are no plans in paying them back but there is no reason to piss them off so much that they force us to pay. China, despite being a Godless Communist monster country, isn't all that bad. They gave us Jet Li, greasy food in tiny boxes, and Sun Tzu. The least we could do is kiss their ass every once in a while. Calling them dicks while cuddling up with Junichiro Koizumi just isn't cool. I also don't think that you're doing Taiwan any favors. Their on the brink of getting their ass kicked and lunch money stolen by China already. I doubt that we're going to stick around and insure that doesn't happen. If Taiwan is your buddy, why treat him like the teacher's pet? Bullies always kick the shit out of the teacher's pet.

I would say that you were quite ballsy in your China talk down but you were in Japan. Next time, say it in China's face. Then have your homeboys go, "ooooooooooo, he went there!". That would be fly.

Pat Robertson Will Get God to Beat You Up,

2005-11-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

Pat Robertson and God are back and they're pissed off. This past summer, they were calling for the assassination of Hugo Chavez.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Conservative Christian televangelist Pat Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them on Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck.

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city," Robertson said on his daily television show broadcast from Virginia, "The 700 Club."

"And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there," he said.

Oh Pat, you always try to threaten people with your God power. "Oooooorlaaandoooo, you will be destroy by hurricanes, terrorist, and a giant lizard for supporting the gays and the Jews!". Calling down the righteous hand of God is only scary when you can actually do it. I don't recall Pat Robertson ever calling out a place right before it's been wiped off the face of the Earth. Hell, Denny's is still around.

It's obvious that Pat Robertson is a cry baby asshole. Saying that is like pointing out that I'm awesome. Everyone knows, even the retarded. What about intelligent design? Well, I don't think it's that intelligent. It's pretty much advocated by creationist with a thesaurus. They claim that their theory is based on science, Which is true, as long as that science allows for an omnipotent creator pulling the strings. That might be why the good people of Dover disapprove of this. Faith isn't fact and it should not be chosen over something that has actual scientific evidence. But, what do I know? I'm Agnostic. I also don't have a list of fun quotes designed to inspire and unite the Nation.

Pat Robertson Quotes...

"It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-biased media and the homosexuals who want to destroy all Christians"

2 out of 3! Watch out, Jesus!

Many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many were homosexuals - the two things seem to go together"

"I know one man who was impotent who gave AIDS to his wife and the only thing they did was kiss"

"That (separation of church and state) was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the communist Sovi"

[Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism -- everything that the Bible condemns.

Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.

Poor Christians. He's right. It's just like what happened to the Jews. If only Christians could live their lives outside of attics. If only they could live without the fear of being discovered by the evil gay-liberal women that want to send the Christians to camps to be exterminated. What an atrocity.

God's pattern is for men to be the leaders, both in the church and in the family... "Women should listen and learn quietly and submissively. I do not let women teach men or have authority over them."

"Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

I got most of these from HERE. It's a good read and there are many more.

For More Pat Robertson Coverage...
Pat Robertson should be assassinated.

Pat Robertson VS Rodan

Chuck Hagel: Stop TORTURING us by not Banning Torture. Man, I'm funny.

2005-11-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON - A leading Republican senator said Sunday that the Bush administration is making "a terrible mistake" in opposing a congressional ban on torture and other inhuman treatment of prisoners in U.S. custody.

Sen. Chuck Hagel, considered a potential presidential candidate in 2008, said many Republican senators support the ban proposed by Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War.

I agree with Chuck Hagel, the Bush administration is making a huge mistake. I'm a fan of John McCain. Aside from his attempts to ruin sports, he's always been one of the few people aligned with "the right" that I like. McCain was a victim of torture in Vietnam and as expected, he's a bit sensitive to torture. I believe whole-heartedly that the Bush Administration should pass the torture ban. They should pass it and then keep torturing people secretly.

I don't really have a stance on torture. I could really care less about how enemies of the country are treated. My problem lays in who we consider enemies. Torture is necessary in some cases. When used properly, it can provide vital information and it makes the torturers feel better about themselves. Some people bully because they don't like themselves. Making other people feel bad helps to fill a void. Torture experts are basically big bullies who have traded in wedgies for car batteries and nipple clamps. Some people actually like to be tortured. There are entire ads in the Dallas Observer dedicated to those people. How do we know that most of the prisoners don't dig that? We don't and they probably do... or don't. Whatever. So, the Bush Administration should pass this bill, appeasing as many people as possible, continue torturing people, and avoid another Lynndie England incident.

Cause pictures like that are never good for publicity.

...and, Radio personalities end up mocking it.

In all fairness to people that have suffered from "real" torture, I don't consider what happened at Abu Ghraib to be all THAT horrible. The biggest problem with it was that those pour souls had to look at Lynndie England.

She looks like an angst filled 14 year old boy that
listens to Lincoln Park all day because he hates his dad.

More on Lynndie England. Man, fuck that bitch.

France Gone Wild!

2005-11-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

As you all should know by now, Paris has been going crazy lately. Angry youths are proclaiming that they're mad and they're not going to take it anymore. They have been expressing their anger reasonably by tossing Molotov cocktails at cars and a school. It's pretty much like Grand Theft Auto only everybody is Tommy Vercetti.

The violence has escalated from an outburst of anger in suburban Paris housing projects into a nationwide show of disdain for French authority from youths and minorities, most French-born children of Arab and black Africans angered by years of unequal opportunities.

Youths set ablaze nearly 1,300 vehicles and torched businesses, schools and symbols of French authority, including post offices and provincial police stations, late Saturday and early Sunday.

One of the most common complaints I hear from non-Americans about the U.S. is that we don't treat minorities with kindness. France, I've heard you say it plenty of times. Instead of worrying about our issues with race, yes, we do have them, how about attempting to repair your own internal ethnic relations? Sure, we Americans have had more than our fair share of race related rioting but me setting fire to a Volvo during the Boston Marathon has nothing to do with this story. The point of this story was so that I can post a picture that Team Wilco has had in it's archives for a very long time.

Vote for Team Wilco in the 2008 Presidential Election...
Really, what's the worse that could happen?

French President Jacques Chirac has proclaimed that he shall kick the asses of everybody involved in order to restore order. Me personally, I wouldn't have waited 11 nights in order to say that. I would have put down my croissant, turned off my Jerry Lewis movie, and put shit in line. Kanye was right. It doesn't matter if it's hurricanes or rioting, global leaders don't care about black people.

The French Government does not officially recognize minorities. Everyone is only a citizen of France. Like communism and sex in a hot tub, this sounds better on paper and never works out the way you want it to in real life. The reality of the situation is that people notice ethnic differences. I don't think that will ever change. You will always have douche bags that hate others because of the small differences. For example, I hate prepubescent red headed boys and robots. To attempt to ignore race is to force yourself to become color blind. The failure to integrate immigrants and other minorities into the Parisian world is the true theme of the riots. Unemployment in several of these communities is around 40 percent. Poverty is rampant. When victims of the system feel that "the man" blatantly brutalize some of their own, they're prone to get angrier than they already are. I'm not saying that their actions are right. I'm saying that they're understandable. Maybe a program like affirmative action could have steered some of this hostility away.

Some people choose to ignore the issue of race. I believe in a careful balance between recognition and ignorance. I call it recognorance.The fact is, there are differences between us. A majority of certain minorities live on the brink of poverty. One of my pet peeves are people that claim that they "don't see color, just people". I believe Sean Rouse (it may have been somebody else but I'm 98 percent sure it was Rouse) said those people don't see color until they're picking somebody out of a police line up. That doesn't mean that we should baby them. It also doesn't mean that we can just put them in the corner and ignore them. That's what France did, I think. I don't know. I'm probably talking out of my ass. I'm so stoned.

President Bush: Fuck the Flu.

2005-11-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON -President Bush outlined a $7.1 billion strategy Tuesday to prepare for a possible worldwide super-flu outbreak, aiming to overhaul the vaccine industry so eventually every American could be inoculated within six months of a pandemic's beginning.

As somebody suffering with the flu right now, I don't care if the president wants to spend 70.1 billion dollars as long as they take time to make me feel better. I'm suffering from the sick and it's not fun. Sure, it might be my fault for not showing up for that pesky flu shot but in my defense, I didn't feel like going. There are some haters out there that aren't feeling the president's plan.

Such a huge change would take years to implement — Bush's goal is 2010 — and his plan drew immediate fire from critics who said it wouldn't provide enough protection in the meantime. States, too, got an unpleasant surprise, ordered to purchase millions of doses of an anti-flu drug with their own money.

I can agree with that. I'm sick now God damn it. I need relief now. The future is for dreamers. The future isn't the present. The present is the now and the past is in the history. If we don't help ourselves in the present then there will be no future. If there is no future then the past will mean nothing. The present is what is vital and if it wasn't for the past, we wouldn't live in the present. Fuck the future. Man, this fever really has turned me completely insane.

What's Goin' On.

2005-10-30T23:11:00.000-08:00

I was out for a few days to get my shit together. Well, my book is paid up, I've severed ties with a fine piece of ass that was trying to suck my soul, and I drank enough beer during the process to kill a moose, so you people are stuck with me for a while. While I was doing all of this, the world didn't wait and now I have to catch up on the news. I know some of you idiots, mostly you retarded college kids, use Team Wilco as your only source of news. I pray for your souls. Here is a quick recap of things you missed while you were trying to date rape some fat sorority bitch...

Harriet Miers took herself out of the whole supreme court justice mess. Nobody liked Harriet so I guess this is good. I'm just happy that we don't have to look at somebody that resembles Willow. Man, that's creepy.

Other Harriet Miers talk...
President Bush refuses to release his Harriet Miers love notes.
Harriet Miers hates abortion.
Harriet Miers is an 11 year old girl.

Exxon Mobil got busted giving their employees fake flu shots. The bigger news story is that their CEO is bloated from feeding on the souls of poor and down trodden.

Paris Hilton got caught in a lie. She claimed that she never even met Tom Sizemore. Well, this picture certainly proves her to be the big sexy liar that she is...

thesuperficial.com for more info.

Lewis "Scooter" Libby resigned as the Vice President's chief of staff after being indicted on that whole obstruction of justice/perjury/CIA leak cluster fuck. The white house's fumbling around during this ordeal is probably due to Karl Rove being unable to tell them what to do. Also, Satan is no longer returning phone calls. He's flaky like that. Maybe Karl Rove is Satan. That would explain why I kind of like him. Satan is totally bitchin'.

In an attempt to resemble the Jesus Freak fan base he has adopted, Mel Gibson looks like this now...

He's expected to ride around in an 82 datsun truck with a sign on the back that reads "the end is now, repent!".

And for good measure, Jessica Alba is talented.

And finally, and most importantly, I watched Raging Bull for the 200th time.

President Bush Will Refuse to Relase Harriet Miers Documents

2005-10-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -President George W. Bush, citing confidentiality, said on Monday he would refuse to release documents showing what U.S. Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers recommended to him as a White House lawyer.

"That would breach very important confidentiality, and it's a red line I'm not willing to cross," Bush told reporters, setting up a possible showdown with lawmakers.

I think it's obvious what's going on here. Bush and Miers had a little something something going on at one time. Don't assume that I'm just jumping to quick conclusions. Did you forget that I have solid evidence that something fishy has been going on? Did I write that up myself and scan it? Yeah, I probably did but that's a minor detail. I'm a believer of looking at the big picture.

That's the big picture.

Everybody hates Harriet Miers. Even the conservatives want her to disappear. They are upset because so little in known about Miers. Bush refuses to give out anymore information or documents because he wants to protect her confidentiality. What type of confidentiality should a future Supreme Court Justice really have? I think we should be allowed to polygraph them, go through their garbage disposal, and watch their sleeping patterns. They make big decisions and we should learn as much as we can about them before we nominate them. What if the documents that President Bush is refusing to give up reveals that Harriet Miers is the dreamy supreme court justice that the conservatives always wanted? She might be an anti-abortion gun owner who thinks civil rights is a little over rated. They'd be kicking themselves if they found out that she eats deep fried Iraqi babies for breakfast. That's why I think that the documents are actually love notes that Bush and Miers gave to one another. Sinners.

Rosa Parks: Gone at 92

2005-10-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

DETROIT - Rosa Parks, whose refusal to give up her bus seat to a white man sparked the modern civil rights movement, died Monday evening. She was 92.

Mrs. Parks died at her home during the evening of natural causes, with close friends by her side, said Gregory Reed, an attorney who represented her for the past 15 years.

Fifty years ago, Rosa Parks said "fuck you" to the way things were and sat in the front of her bus. Later, Outkast made a song about her with a kick ass 808 kick drum and a harmonica break down.

While her impact on the hip hop world is undeniable, I think she's often over looked as a hero. Is she a civil rights leader? No. Saying that would tarnished Martin Luther King. She's a great American that wouldn't take it anymore. Her story made an impact on the world 50 years ago. She will be missed. If I didn't burn all my flags, I'd lower them to half way.

Team Wilco Exclusive Report: Plagiarized

2005-10-24T02:13:00.000-07:00

As some of you might know, this weekend has been very busy for Team Wilco Enterprises. We received an e-mail on Saturday from Liss.

Team Wilco,

Hmm. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but there's a guy who is totally plagiarizing your stuff. Entries in his livejournal are, essentially, copy and pastes of your work/photos/links and there is no credit (that I can find) given to you guys.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/onerom2013/
For shame.

Love your blog,
Liss
Upon clicking the link, I noticed several shocking similarities between Team Wilco and this asshole's live journal. I took screen caps to demonstrate this.

Robert Moreno of Garland Texas writes...

Which of course is this.

The gentleman that says, "I'm just some dude with a smart mouth. But, I back my stuff up. I welcome all to say something" wrote this.

Which bares a resemblance to this.

The hilarious podcast host and writer was also quite opinionated about Paris Hilton.

Odd, I'm quite opinionated about Paris too.

The Robert Moreno in Garland, Texas who listens to the Pugs and Kelly Show, Russ Martin Show, and Dan and Tasos show said this about Chewbacca becoming an American Citizen.

It's obvious that I ripped him off with my lame attempt to copy his genius.

I've spent my entire life looking for a soul mate. Somebody that thinks like me. Little did I know that it was just a few miles away in Garland. Hell, Robert even has my exact same handwriting.

Or maybe I stole his Harriet Miers coverage. To really throw him off, I posted it almost a day before him. I'm so clever!

OK, an obvious plagiarism job by one Mr. Robert Moreno of Garland, Texas who, in his 22 years of existence, has developed a smart mouth and the ability to back it up that might be found listening to Dan and Tasos or bumping Public Enemy while being trained by somebody that resembles an upside down bowling pin for some job that probably has to do with computers. All this while updating his shitty livejournal for all his high school buddies to laugh at.

It doesn't stop with me though. Robert also stole from Paco. He deleted the account before I could screen cap that but I did manage to get THIS.

Look familiar? Yeah, that's a thesuperficial.com post. Shame on you Robert. Shame.

So, Mr. Moreno deleted his account after I mocked him in the comments section of his journal. Luckily, Liss screen capped my comments for me.

More!
Even More!!!

Robert, you got away with this for a long time. By Paco's research, you've been doing this since July. It must have been a pleasant ride. You probably received the adoration of all your loser friends. Hey, I know. I get that sometimes too. Did you really think it was wise to do this to a website that is frequently advertised on the number one talk radio station in the number 5 market? (I think those two stats are right) Did you think that it was possible to get away with this? Oh you crazy kid, you're one of the many reasons why I hate our generation. You know, there are a lot better sites and writers to steal from that don't have the type of exposure that we get. Honestly, I think Paco and I are a little overrated. We pretty much just come up with ways to say "I fucking hate BLANK" over and over again. You might consider us one trick ponies with shitty photoshop skills and a tendency to commit crime. All of this might be true but at least we're original. Robert, you could have rewritten each post and probably gotten away with it. Simply taking out any mention of me or Team Wilco isn't going to cut it. Linking directly from our photobuckets was pretty fucking dumb. Did any of your friends wonder why your hilarious pictures were in a photobucket called "Willthethrill","Willteamwilco", or "Willtheblogger"? Our readers are slightly smarter than that. Slightly, I still think they're all borderline retards.

There are a few nice things that I took away from this experience. I think Paco said it best...

Part of me wants to be offended, and string up this douche bag for 30 counts of grand larceny of intellectual properties and 5 counts of being a choad. However, another part of me is flattered that this guy finds us so funny that he'd blatantly rip us off and pass it off as his own to make others think that he too is funny.

Flattery does feel good. Do you know what else feels good? Making people feel bad. So, I present to you, loyal readers of Team Wilco, people that got lost here on accident, people that send us hate mail for talking bad about sea creatures, and weird guy that just likes my picture of a panda, Robert Moreno's MSN username.

trebor_onerom

Oh, here is his new livejournal, sans Team Wilco content. I don't think Robert has actually seen a real life woman. He thinks that the measurements of 34-32-26 is hot. Robert, that's an upside down bowling pin.

Painless really. We laughed. We cried. I smoked a little weed in the middle of writing all this out. And, I think Robert Moreno made out pretty well. He gets free links on Team Wilco and he has a new reader, me.

Once again, I'd like to thank Liss for helping us out. You can read her plagiarism free live journal HERE. I'd like to thank everyone that sent me well wishes in this ordeal. It's your comfort and the power of Christ that helps me overcome all obstacles. Amen.

Buy a Baby Online

2005-10-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

Chinese police are investigating a report of attempted baby trafficking on an internet auction site, according to a state-owned newspaper.
The advertisement was reportedly placed on eBay's Chinese website, Eachnet.

While baby trafficking is nothing new in China, utilizing a public auction site is quite different. Chinese officials think that it might have been a hoax but I believe that it's real. Who are you going to trust? Chinese "experts" who put in hard work to uncover the "truth" or me, a guy in Fort Worth, Texas who just came home 5 minutes ago and skimmed through this article? Yeah, I'd pick me too.

The overpopulation problem in this world is a serious problem. Short of manditory defertilization for ugly people and cullings, there aren't too many reasonable options. That's why I nominate the good Reverend Paco to fix this situation. He told me of a plan he had to eliminate all life in the oceans. I think that's a good idea. I hate the fact that I can't enjoy my stay at the beach without worrying about giant squids, whales, mermaids, and sharks crapping in the water that I'm enjoying. We, the citizens of the Earth, could set aside our differences and unite. Declaring war on sea creatures would bring us closer together. If a tuna could figure out how to kill you and eat you, it would. I don't like that. It's only a matter of time until they elvolve into the man-eating monsters that they're destined to be. Let's kill them now. If not for you, for your children. After we eliminate the threat of sea animals, we can seriously look into colonizing the sea. Then we can put all the stupid people we don't like there and let them live. Everybody wins.

Don't tell me that fish are just as deserving of Earth as we are. If fish are so great, how come they don't have thumbs? Yeah, that's what I thought. Shut up.

Crazy rant aside, the black market selling of children is awful. I know that Nike probably wouldn't make their quota without it. I know that no Nikes would be a huge loss for the NBA. I know that any pain the NBA feels weighs heavy on my soul but, I think selling children into slavery or whatever the fuck is a lot worse than interfering with my basketball watching. I implore all of you. If you're going to illegally buy children, buy American.

More Wackiness from the Courts of Baghdad.

2005-10-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

Despite the fight and the fact that Saddam is in a big ass crib, I found the first day of his hearing to be quite boring. The trial was overhyped. They promised so much but delivered so little. Well, leave it to the good people of Iraq to spice things up for me...

BAGHDAD, Iraq - The trial of Saddam Hussein took startling turns Thursday when prosecutors said the first witness would be a bedridden cancer patient who helped run Iraq's feared intelligence agency. In the first setback, a lawyer for one of the dictator's co-defendants was kidnapped.

That's some fucked up shit. I've found watching 28 hours worth of 24 hour news channels a day to be entertaining once again. I can't wait until Kim Jong-Il goes on trial. That's going to be some wackiness. Who am I kidding? We're never going to get him out of power. He's too smart, good-looking, and athletic to let that happen. Don't believe me? Just check out some North Korean propaganda.

Saddam in Lalalalalala Law

2005-10-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

The Saddam trial started today. It may have been yesterday, I don't really understand Iraqi time. I really don't have any sense of time or any of the crude human theories that you silly terrans adhere to. This trial just seems a bit under whelming. The Hannibal Lector cage seemed more like a big ass crib. It's just like muppet babies only with genocidal dictators. Saddam wasn't sporting the Pancho Villa mustache and military outfit that I'm used to seeing him in. Instead, the ousted dictator opted for a business casual outfit. He looked like he was ready for martinis at the bar across the street from the office for a little happy hour mingling.

Oh, he also got into a fight. That was awesome.

The presentation of the trial was pretty crappy. Is it too much to ask for a little People's Court style? That theme song was awesome.

I know that they screwed up the spelling of "defendant". What do you expect? Day time TV sucks.

Osama , Saddam, and Mother Teresa go Down to Mexico.

2005-10-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) -Saddam Hussein,Osama bin Laden and Mother Teresa are being deployed as behaviour cops in posters in the car-clogged streets of Mexico City in a campaign to stamp out bad driving, corruption and aggression.

The unlikely combo -- who may soon be joined by George W. Bush and Adolf Hitler -- appear on the posters across the city with speech bubbles telling drivers to stop paying off traffic police with bribes or parking where they shouldn't.

"For devil's sake, don't give bribes," declares a beaming image of Mother Teresa on an advertisement hoarding.

A few streets away a grave-looking Saddam warns: "Don't double-park, you could cause chaos!" while bin Laden advises pedestrians to use footbridges to cross busy roads because, he says: "I'm concerned for your life."

Well, that's just fucking weird. I know things are always a bit different in Mexico but that's wacky even for them. I just don't get it. I think it's kind of funny but yeah, I don't get it. I can understand Mother Teresa. Mexico is very Catholic and Mother Teresa would care about the well-being of drivers. Saddam looks like every 50 year old Mexican guy I know. He even has the same mustache. Osama could easily be mistaken for a Mexican Santa Claus. If anybody has any pictures of these posters, can you send them to me at will@teamwilco.com? I've been looking for them but I haven't found them yet. Thanks.

In related news...

This is the 100th post in the News & Comments section of Team Wilco. If you've read every single one of these, I thank you. If you haven't, go fuck yourself and die.

Harriet Miers Hates Abortion

2005-10-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON - Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers pledged unflagging opposition to abortion as a candidate for the Dallas City Council in 1989, according to documents released Tuesday. She backed a constitutional amendment to ban the procedure in most cases and promised to appear at "pro-life rallies and special events."

The woman that President Bush wants to replace key swing voter, Sandra Day O'Conner, with, isn't such a key swing voter. That's not much of a surprise. It's a good game plan. I don't like it but I respect it. It's kind of like when I got cut from the little league all star team so that a triple A pitcher could play. The only real difference is that little league all star games do not determine if abortions are allowed in this country. I'm sure some of you like that President Bush is stacking the abortion chips toward the anti way and as such, you're happy. That's good, I guess. If I was president everybody would be happy with my Supreme Court decisions. Who doesn't want to have George Clinton's Parliament Funkadelic running shit? Bootsy Collins is a big time swing voter and he plays a wicked funk bass line.

Hurricanes are Dangerous

2005-10-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

Breaking news from CNN.

Apparently, CNN thinks that people in Florida are so stupid that they need to be told that the hurricane is dangerous. While I've never though of Florida as having people that I would ever consider to use as a "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" life line, I hoped that the prefix "hurricane" would tell them that this storm might be dangerous. Guess I have too much faith in people.

Conservative Americans hate American Girls.

2005-10-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK - American Girl, manufacturer of a highly popular line of dolls and children's books, has become the target of conservative activists threatening a boycott unless the toy maker cuts off contributions to a youth organization that supports abortion rights and acceptance of lesbians.

The protest is directed at an ongoing American Girl campaign in which proceeds from sales of a special "I Can" wristband help support educational and empowerment programs of Girls Inc., a national nonprofit organization which describes its mission as "inspiring girls to be strong, smart and bold."

If there is one thing I support whole heartedly, it's the American Girl Company. Growing up as a little girl, I identified with the struggles of the American girls portrayed in the stories. I owned all the dolls and day dreamed that I was the young Swedish girl looking to make sense of my new American lifestyle. This was before my parents sent me to therapy and back to church to fix my gender confusion. Well, I'm a man now and this man still loves American girl. If they want to teach our children that it's OK to have abortions and to shun the use of the evil penis, that's fine by me. Most conservative groups seem to be thinking in a non-American way. I have no real problems with conservatives. Well, aside from the majority of my political views, social beliefs, and the fact that I refuse to buy American. Conservative groups are crap though. I'll take this time to rattle off on one group that I would be forced to kick in the nuts if it ever came across me in one of the Cambodian opium dens that I frequent.

Parents Television Council: "Because we hate entertainment"
The PTC is comprised of crap parents who want to change what's on TV because they can't trust their children enough to not watch Real Sex 42: Animals with Eating Disorder Fetishes. I don't have any children, that I claim, so why should I be punished by people that can't even manage to watch the little brats that they have? There should be some form of censorship on TV but why can't I enjoy my favorite shows? Curb Your Enthusiasm, Rescue Me, Arrested Development, and Happy Days are all vital to my sanity. All of these shows have had episodes with issues of drug use and incredibly dysfunctional families. Remember that time the Fonz slept with Mrs. Cunningham and Opie slit his wrist in protest? The PTC doesn't want you to watch that. Conservatives always accuse us liberals of being communist yet they wish to dictate your evening viewing habits. Well, guess what? I'm an American, I think, and I have the right to watch reasonably fucked up things on TV. I wasn't aware that this was communist fucking China with the oppressive censorship laws and nothing but heavily edited reruns of Full House. Yes, they edit Full House. They cut out two of the daughters and make Joey appear to be straight and funny. The shows are about 3 minutes long.

Liberal groups are just as bad. I've expressed my disdain for PETA plenty of times. I also hate the Dixie chicks. Not really because of their political views but because their music sucks and I refuse to buy into the propaganda that they're hot. If I want to look at ugly women singing crappy songs then I'll just put on a dress and sing songs from Yentl. Oh shit, there goes the gender confusion again.

The Most Lamest Club Ever

2005-10-13T02:24:00.000-07:00

PRINCETON, N.J. - The students who started one of Princeton University's newest clubs remember the awkward moment when they realized they were in the minority: while watching a play called "Sex on a Saturday Night."

The play is put on for incoming freshmen to inform them about sexual health and safety. But to some students, there was just too much talk about sex.

***

So about a year ago, the students formed a group promoting chastity. While similar groups exist at other universities, it is a first for the Ivy League. The groups first sprung up in the South, but the idea is catching on nationwide, said Jimmy Hester from "True Love Waits," a Nashville, Tenn.-based group that promotes abstinence.

That sounds like the lamest club in the entire world. I'd rather hang out at one of those places Michael Clegg hung out at.

I actually appreciate groups like this. I don't believe in waiting until marriage nor do I value sex as a life altering experience. Hell, I have two STDs right now and I'm still having sex without a condom. I appreciate that these people have come together and identified themselves. This helps guys figure out who puts out. No man wants to waste an evening of his life pumping some chick filled with McDonalds and Malt Liquor just to find out that she doesn't screw on the first date. That would suck.

Are young college kids really sex maniac monsters just looking to get off cheaply? Yeah, probably. Maybe I should go back to school.... anyways, yeah they probably are. Is that a problem? I don't think so. Sure, sometimes a girl will get knocked up, drop out of Northwestern, and work at Hooters for the rest of her life but in my defense, she said she was on the pill and she knew I was the kind of guy that loves, leaves, finds out that she's knocked up, and leaves to a place further away.

Personally, I would never want to date a girl that was waiting for marriage. What if she's so hot that I'm willing to wait for it? That would be awful. She wouldn't know how to handle herself in bed. She'd probably cry during the first time. Because of my porn addiction, my idea of sex is so skewed that I'd probably demand advanced techniques. And God damn it, if a girl doesn't know how to handle three dicks at one time then she's not worth my time. You only live once unless you're Indian. You get to bogart all the resurrections.

Harriet Miers is 11 Years Old.

2005-10-12T03:07:00.000-07:00

AUSTIN, Texas - Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court, quickly developed a deep and almost gushing admiration for her boss from her earliest days in Texas government.

"You are the best governor ever - deserving of great respect!" she wrote in 1997, in a belated birthday note that was typical of the tone she used in her correspondence with then-Gov. Bush.

That's cute. It's heart warming to see a couple of kids trade cute notes back and forth. It's also cute to see George W. Bush's response. Yes, this is the actual response. You can read the article if you think I'm a liar.

"I appreciate your friendship and candor. Never hold back your sage advice," he wrote. "P.S. No more public scatology."

Apparently, Harriet Miers is into that shit. That's disgusting. If you don't believe then you can click that link to brownlove that I just posted. Sinners.

My source in Austin was able to retrieve this note. This is a Team Wilco exclusive.

Eating Chillies Helps you Sleep

2005-10-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

SYDNEY (AFP) - Eating chillis regularly could help people get a good night's sleep and keep their hearts healthy.

Researchers at the University of Tasmania spent the past 18 months studying the potential health benefits of chillies on a group of 10 volunteers, national radio reported Monday.

Some in the group were given 15 grams of chilli each day, while others did not have any, and Associate Professor at the School of Life Sciences Dominic Geraghty said the results were promising.

"Chilli consumption may improve your sleep and, of course, the quality of your sleep very much also influences your cardiovascular health," he said

I could take the low road and say that this is why lazy Mexicans sleep all day. You'd like that wouldn't you? Well, you're all awful. That's an ethnic stereotype and it's not fair. I don't care how much truth there is in that statement.

Oh great, now we have the Grand King of Political Correctiveness on our asses. He's a real buzz killer.

Death Toll over 20,000 after Big Ass Earthquake in South Asia

2005-10-10T01:47:00.000-07:00

MUZAFFARABAD, Pakistan (Reuters) - Rescuers searched frantically for survivors of Pakistan's massive earthquake on Monday as the death toll marched past 20,000, while thousands of people spent a second chilly night in the open.

***

Officials in North West Frontier Province and Pakistani Kashmir say the final death toll could be close to 40,000.

There was still no medical attention for many of the more than 40,000 injured by the quake which, at a magnitude of 7.6, was the strongest in South Asia for a century.

Across the border in Indian-held Kashmir, almost 700 people are known to have been killed.

This is just awful. There has been so much massive death and destruction lately. We seem to be more than willing to blow each other up but Mother Nature is doing it for us. International aide is all ready being pledged and that's good. I just hope that we don't have to sit through another God awful telethon with pop stars and B level actors reading scripts while trying to cry.

Taiwan Gets Mouthy with China

2005-10-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

TAIPEI (Reuters) - Taiwan President Chen Shui-bian declared on Friday he would not be rushed into talks with China, saying it was vital to preserve the island's sovereign status.

Whereas China's leaders have said they were striving for talks to start even if they had delays during the negotiations, "I want to revise that statement," Chen said in an interview. "I want to strive for delays while not fearing talks."

He said his go-slow policy would benefit the 23 million people on the island more than accepting as a precondition for talks China's vision of one country that includes both Taiwan and the mainland

Oh Taiwan, you are so very brave. You're a tiny island nation refusing to be pushed around by a communist super power. I applaud your bravery but I must question your intelligence. If this was jail, China would be the big Aryan dude that wants Taiwan to be his new prag. Sure, he still likes fucking Tibet but Tibet isn't getting any younger. Still confused? Let me recreate what could happen with help from students at a school yard.

In this picture we have China putting Taiwan into a headlock. The headlock is vital when one is preparing to perform an awful waffle. Taiwan, you do not want an awful waffle. Tibet is in the background cheering on China. It's not that Tibet approves of China's actions, it's that they feel lonely in the 'bitch" category.

Bird Flu Will Kill You.

2005-10-07T01:37:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (AFP) - The United States warned that a worldwide pandemic of bird flu among humans would be "catastrophic" and opened an 80 nation conference on the feared disease by pleading with governments not to cover up any outbreaks.

Fears are mounting that bird flu, which has so far killed about 60 people and tens of millions of poultry in Asia, could mutate into a deadly virus that can spread directly among humans.

Fuck you and your mocking laughter, Woody.

This might be another scare tactic by the government but I refuse to take that chance. I'm going to do my part in helping the world get rid of these avian menaces. KFC original recipe, here I come. I've always felt that birds were kind of lame. Now that they seem to be spreading pestilence, they're even lamer. They're the new bubonic rat. If you have these symptoms then you're dying of bird flu and you should stay away from me.

fever
sore throat
cough
muscle aches
conjunctivitis
in severe cases of avian flu, it can cause severe breathing problems and pneumonia, and can be fatal.

Great, I have most of these things. All this time I thought it was just because I smoke 6 packs of smokes an hour but it turns out that it's fucking bird flu. Bury me with my x-box.

Wear Your Grandmother

2005-10-07T01:08:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO (AFP) - Everyone said she was a gem. Now, just eight ounces of cremated remains is all it takes to turn your mother into a diamond.

In fact, there's enough carbon in those ashes to make about 20 gems. And there will still be several pounds of ashes left over to display on the mantelpiece.

I don't get creeped out very easily. It mostly takes old men dressed up like Santa and crack whores defecating in the street to really get me weirded out but I think this might do it. Here's a picture.

It's pretty if you're into that sort of thing. I'm not a fan of jewelry so I'm talking out of my perfectly chiseled ass. This just seems like something Nazis would have done during the holocaust. I don't see how wearing a gaudy trinket made out of your deceased loved one, honors them. It's likely to get stolen by a crack head in need of a quick fix. Thank god I just do coke and rob graves. I'd feel weird if I found out that the jewel I stole was Grandma Harris. Why can't we honor the dead with taxidermy? It's what I want.

Mexican Panda

2005-10-04T02:13:00.000-07:00

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Mexican giant panda Shuan Shuan was back in her Mexico City enclosure on Thursday, jet-lagged and chewing glumly on a pile of bamboo leaves after failing to find passion with a suitor in a Tokyo zoo.

Shuan Shuan, 18 and born in Mexico, was flown back from Japan earlier this week, dashing hopes that a far eastern romance might get her pregnant, after attempts to spark chemistry with Beijing-born Ling Ling, 20, fizzled out.

I know this isn't much of a story but I have an unhealthy obsession with pandas. I also wanted an excuse to make a crappy Mexican panda photoshop.

Other Panda Propaganda...

Skateboards in China and Panda Spies.

Panda with coke addiction.

John Roberts is the King of the Supreme Court

2005-09-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON - John Glover Roberts Jr. won confirmation as the 17th chief justice of the United States on Thursday, charged by the Senate with the responsibility of leading the Supreme Court through turbulent social issues for generations to come.

Also just in, John Roberts is forcing everybody that had abortions to get pregnant to make up for sucking their baby out of their vagina with a vacuum. No word yet on abortions for babies all ready born, sorry Mom. Anybody else notice that John Roberts has a lazy eye?

Tom DeLay Indicted

2005-09-29T02:51:00.000-07:00

As you all should know, Tom DeLay was indicted by a Texas grand jury on a charge of being shady. That's one down and 434 to go. Some people might think that I'd be pumping my fist to the "Rock You like a Hurricane" while chugging Jack Daniels after I heard this news. While I did do that, I assure you that act is part of my daily routine. While I've made it well known that I tend to lean more left, I don't take part in the "my team/your team" bullshit. The way I see it, everyone should play for the same team. It's just too bad that we seem to have T.O. mentality on every side. Actually, it's more like Freddy Mitchell and Todd Pinkston syndrome. We have dudes that run their mouth all the time and get scared whenever Roy Williams is about to hit them. I do think that Tom DeLay is a massive douche bag that stands against most of the things that I love, which is mostly cocaine, forced abortion, and reruns of Happy Days, but it appears that we might have more in common than I previously believed. I'm a criminal. Tom DeLay is a criminal. It's an occurrence like this that makes me wonder if the world would just be better off if all the corrupt politicians united in their love of shadiness and sang kum ba ya around a camp fire. I hope there can be some good to come out of this. As a nation, we should unite and demand a house majority leader that's at least smooth enough to get away with crime. That's why I nominate O.J. Simpson to that role. Not only can he chop the heads off of two people and get away with it but he was also the first player to ever rush for over 2000 yards in a season. We need that kind of production out of our politicians. He also won a Heisman. Tom DeLay never did that.

Watching Yourself Die on TV

2005-09-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

You should all know what this picture is by now. If you were watching 24 hours news channels yesterday, you couldn't avoid this thing. It was discovered that the airliner's front landing gear turned sideways while in the air. I'm no expert on aviation but I'm going out on a limb to say that probably isn't good. That's like rolling your ankle if your ankle was attached to a giant flying body filled with jet fuel and 139 human passengers. Needless to say, that has to suck. By the grace of God, Odin, Vishnu, or Tupac, the airliner was able to land safely after spending hours circling Los Angeles. I'm sure the pilot locked the doors before entering East L.A. air space. I woke up this morning (actually, I didn't sleep. I stayed up all night sucking down coffee from Quik Trip and Marlboros) and read that these people were able to watch the news coverage of their sure doom while still suffering from that doom.

LOS ANGELES - The airliner circled Southern California for hours, crippled by a
faulty landing gear, while inside its cabin 140 passengers watched their own
life-and-death drama unfolding on live television. While satellite TV sets
aboard JetBlue Flight 292 were tuned to news broadcasts, some passengers cried.
Others tried to telephone relatives and one woman sent a text message to her
mother in Florida attempting to comfort her in the event she died

As horrible as it might be for the passengers, I find that fascinating. I wonder what it would be like to watch the world report on your death before it actually takes place. The coverage was just as doomy gloom as it always is in these types of situations so, I'd imagine that panic hit the passengers twice as hard. Just sitting there alone in your prayers and probably in a puddle of your own urine, watching MSNBC, Fox "news", or CNN trot out their "wheel turned sideways experts" that tell everyone that they're all fucked would be most unsettling. Fox News blamed the malfunction on the liberals.

I imagine that I'd be compelled to watch too. How could I not? I'm very full of myself and if my death results in 15 minutes worth of fame then that's fine by me. I'm a whore like that. I also think that the pilots were probably telling the passengers that everything was going to be OK. I'm a bit of a realist so I'd want the sensationalized news to tell me that my ashes were about to litter the streets of L.A.

I desire a careful balance in my life and in my death and 24 hour news channels can provide it. Are they exploitive? Yes. Do they feed their ratings by providing false fears into the minds of the dim? Yes, and I love it. The only time I ever thought that their fear mongering was used in a good way was with their hurricane Katrina coverage. I think showing people suffering helped put a spotlight on the tragedy and made more people aware of our American brothers that were suffering. I believe that the secret to watching these 24 hour news channels is to take everything they say with a grain of salt. Sure, sometimes a grain of salt can make a pretzel taste like pure sex in your mouth but that salt will only raise your cholesterol and you'll end up with diabetes. We Americans love to be scared out of our minds. We Americans love violence. We Americans love sex. They have 2 out of the 3 to help them boost their ratings and that ain't bad. The lack of sex is probably a good thing. As much as I like Keith Olbermann, I have no real desire to see his penis though I imagine that it's pretty big. He's kind of tall.

I'll close by switching focus back to the safe landing of the flight. In the current state of disaster after disaster (hurricanes, more wackiness in Iraq, North Korea acting all "ehhhhh", and the redskins beating the Dallas Cowboys in the final minutes of Monday Night Football after being touchdownless since the previous season) it's nice to see a story with a happy ending. Normally I have to pay 30-60 bucks for a happy ending and that's at the really really really dirty places. I can't find quality at a decent price.

The Good, The Bad, and the Stupid. (Ah fuck it, none of them are good)

2005-09-22T03:14:00.000-07:00

This is the true story of six nations, picked to live in a conference room and have their discussions taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Six Nations Talk! Seoul!

Previously at the six nations talks, North Korea agreed to stop building nuclear weapons in exchange for aid and security. Less than a day after that agreement, North Korea demanded nuclear reactors from Washington or it was going stop participating in the talks. This brings us to today...

SEOUL, South Korea - In a second day of bluster after its disarmament accord,
North Korea accused the United States on Wednesday of planning a nuclear attack and warned it could retaliate.

For those of you that don't know about the six nation talks, go close the car door on your head 300 times as hard as you can. I guess you've never actually read a newspaper. The six nation talks is where China, Russia, North Korea, South Korea, Japan, and the United States of America sit down and chat. Lately, it seems like it's been an intervention for North Korea. My parents did that to me when I was on the smack. I accused them of planning a preemptive attack on me. They had me sent to rehab. I suspect that the six nation talks are mainly comprised of these six nations drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and figuring out how to throw the earth into a post apocalyptic society with World War III. Then at the end of the day, they report about how crazy North Korea was acting. It's sort of like the Real World on MTV with their confessional room. Tensions between the parties are at an all time high and it makes me remember the good ol' days when the biggest problem was that Cousin Oliver was ruining the family...

I liked the episode when
Junichiro Koizumi became Johnny Bravo.

I think the only real solution is to have the good people of Russia, North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, and the U.S. vote via Ryan Seacrest and text messaging.

hehehe... ya sut, a hop! Man, I'm funny.

Honestly, I'm tired of waiting. If there is going to be a World War III then it might as well happen now. The U.S. is being bombarded by hurricane after hurricane and I'm not doing anything particularly important at this stage in my life. Wait, scratch that. It's football season. Let's wait till next summer when baseball is the only sport on TV. Man, fuck baseball.

Put Your Dick in a Clinton

2005-09-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

BEIJING (AFP) - A condom maker in southern China's Guangdong province is marketing its products under "Clinton" and "Lewinsky" brands and has registered
the names as trademarks, state press said.
I guess you use the Lewinsky when you have to fuck a fat chick. Dipped in Chocolate, for her pleasure. I don't know what the Clinton is used for but I'm guessing that it's something illegal here in America. I want to try these. It's too bad that I don't have a relative or a friend that goes to China frequently. Or anybody that has access to a lot of condoms, like a chain of store for prick protectors or something.... That's right I'm hinting at you Bruce, Nana, and Norm. Hanukkah will be here before we know it. I have to wrap the menorah candles in something.

North Korea"Pledges" to Drop Nuke Program

2005-09-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

BEIJING - North Korea agreed Monday to stop building nuclear weapons and allow international inspections in exchange for energy aid, economic cooperation and security assurances, a breakthrough that marked a first step toward disarmament
after two years of six-nation talks.

Why do I picture North Korea as a little snot nosed kid with his fingers crossed behind his back. Man, I hate that kid. That's the kid that all the teachers and grandparents call the good young man meanwhile, he's shoving your face into a pile of dog turds while screaming "pie face". I'm not a paranoid crazy person. The president agrees with me...

President Bush called it a positive step, but he expressed some skepticism about whether North Korea will live up to its promises."They have said — in principle — that they will abandon their weapons programs," Bush said. "And what we
have said is, `Great. That's a wonderful step forward.' But now we've got to verify whether that happens."

Other North Korea Stuff...

Kimchi cures SARS

North Korean Funny Money Makers

North Korea Still being Cunty

Kim Jong-Il is much man.

Kim Jong-Il is Rainman

The wacky misadventures of North Korea and China.

Debra Lafave's Vagina.

2005-09-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

Tampa, Florida - At a press conference today, Debra Lafave's Attorney John Fitzgibbons says the Temple Terrace police took inappropriate pictures of her sexual organs during the investigation, and he's working to keep them private.

Well, duh. Look at her.

Just look at her, she's hot.
Of course they took naughty pictures.

My Debra Lafave coverage.
Paco's Exclusive Report on Hot Teachers banging students.
myfirstsexteacher.com (not work friendly)

Imelda Marcos is still a Cunt.

2005-09-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

BATAC, Philippines (Reuters) - Imelda Marcos, the former first lady of the Philippines, vowed Monday to go to court to stop the government's plan to sell millions of dollars' worth of jewelry confiscated from her family in 1986.

The collection is reported to include a Persian-style necklace with more than 100 carats of canary and pink diamonds, and a diamond-studded bracelet with a 31-carat marquise at its center.

Well, poor poor Imelda Marcos. Her jewelry is suppose to help the poor in the Philippines. I doubt that the suffering will see one peso from that auction but anything that pisses Imelda Marcos off is a good thing. She claims that they can't sell the jewelry because they can't prove that she purchased them with ill-gotten money. Whatever bitch, it doesn't matter how you got your gaudy trinkets of status. They should sell them because you're guilty for twenty counts of being a cunt.

Fuck you very much, Mrs. Former First Lady.

Look Imelda, a lot of the problems in the Philippines is a direct result from your husband's rule as President for life. If I was running things, I'd chop you up into little pieces and sell Marcos lumpia and hot sauce. Don't be a bitch. Sell your jewelry and help repair the damage. Once you do that you can hurry up and die.

Give Them What They Want.

2005-09-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

Severance issue breaks NWA-mechanics talks

Northwest Airlines better give NWA what they want. You don't fuck with crazy ass motherfuckas from the CPT. Gangsta gangsta, that is what I am yelling

Niggaz start to mumble, they wanna rumble
Mix em and cook em in a pot like gumbo
Goin off on a motherfucker like that
with a gat that's pointed at yo ass
So give it up smooth
Ain't no tellin when I'm down for a jack move
Here's a murder rap to keep yo dancin
with a crime record like Charles Manson
- Ice Cube

Goodbye Michael Brown

2005-09-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The director of the U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency Michael Brown resigned on Monday after being recalled to Washington amid criticism of the federal response to Hurricane Katrina.

The President was quoted as saying that Michael Brown was doing a "heck of a job". That's Bush talk for "fucking it up harder than Tara Reid's tit doctor". Remember, the Bush regime also said that Iraq was going to be easy and that they'd welcome us as liberators. I've yet to receive my thank you note from the Iraqi people. Sure, I haven't fought in the war but I totally fucked a girl that signed up for the military. That's got to count for something.

So, Michael Brown, a former imperial general of Arabian horses, probably lied on his resume and got put into a very important position. I think that his clusterfucking ability killed several people that didn't have to die in New Orleans. I've made it clear in the past that I'm no fan of the Bush regime. I've been known to laugh at the wacky antics that they pull off. However, I can't laugh at this one. Too many people have suffered because of Michael Brown's incompetence. The blame isn't solely on Brown though. This was a bipartisan fuck up. The good people of New Orleans should be allowed to kick the federal government, their local government, God, mother nature, anybody named Katrina, Babs Bush, Laura Bush, and Jack from Jack in the Box in their collective nuts. I know Jack isn't a bad guy and he probably had nothing to do with the rescue effort but the last time I went there they didn't give me any hot sauce for my tacos. That shit ain't cool.

Later, Douche Bag.

Don't Trust the Thai...

2005-09-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

POTHARAM, Thailand - Inside a dark room, realistic-looking "human body parts" are stacked on shelves and hanging on meat hooks. The place looks like a mortuary or the lair of a serial killer, but in fact, it's a bakery.

What appears to be putrefying body parts are the bread sculptures of 28-year-old art student Kittiwat Unarrom.

"Of course, people were shocked and thought that I was mad when they saw the works. But once they knew the idea behind it, they understood and became interested in the work itself, instead of thinking that I am crazy," said the fine arts masters degree student.

Again, another "art" guy making a point. Kittiwat, a loser 28 year old that lost his job at Starbucks and then decided to become a professional slacker, is asking us, "are we consuming food or is the food consuming us?". Whatever dude. The baked goods look pretty cool and I can see the point you're trying to make but there are better ways to go about it. For Example...

See? That's something we can all understand. I know that not everyone is as gifted as I am when it comes to drawing though. Why must I be the only shining star in this world of loose bowel movements? Why?

Pat Robertson Killed William Rehnquist

2005-09-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

Don't fuck with Pat Robertson. I think he's a warlock of some type. After praying to his archaic Gods for another vacancy on the Supreme court, Chief Justice William Rehnquist died.

What kind of mystical powers does Pat Roberts possess? How was he able to knock off an 80 year old crazy cancer stricken man with poor health? Is Pat Roberts the true power that dictates when all human life ends? If this is what Roberts can do then I think Hugo Chavez should do his best to make the nice with the maniac. He isn't ready for that jelly.

Read all about Pat Roberts and Hugo Chavez HERE.
Also, the wacky misadventures of Pat Robertson in the Team Wilco comic by Paco.

Alligator? See you Later! Man, I'm funny.

2005-09-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

TARENTUM, Pa. (AP) - Crocus, a 2-foot pet alligator escaped from his backyard enclosure, but was captured by a girl who used what she learned on a nature TV program.

Nicki Hilliard and several friends saw the animal swimming in the Allegheny River.

Hilliard said she learned how to catch the animals safely by watching the television show "Crocodile Hunter." The secret is to grab the animal's snout and hold its mouth closed.

Who ever said TV didn't' teach nobody no nothing? I'm still an advocate of reading over TV but sitting in front of the boob tube all day while eating funyuns and drinking Mr. Pibb certainly paid off well for this little girl. If she was nose deep in Sun Tzu all day she would just try to be her enemy in order to defeat it. That's just silly. An alligator would just rip her face off if she tried to bask near it and feed on the corpses of sick cows. When it comes to alligators, Sun Tzu doesn't know what he's talking about and I doubt that Nicolo Machiavelli was wise to the ways of combating reptiles.

So, you see? TV really is a good babysitter for your children. I watch Rescue Me and the Shield a lot and I'm ready to get drunk, put out fires, get harassed by my dead cousin, and be a corrupt cop. My cousin isn't dead yet but I can work on that aspect. Sorry Robby, I got dreams too man.

Large Rats Kick Spider Monkey Ass.

2005-09-06T00:43:00.000-07:00

ASAHIKAWA, Hokkaido -- A recently opened zoo display featuring spider monkeys and capybaras -- the world's largest rodents -- backfired when a capybara bit one of the monkeys and killed it, zoo officials announced

He eats him in order to gain his power.

That's so awesome. I wish more zoos would stage battles between their animals. It'd be like a real life pokemon only not as gay. I'd consider going to the zoo on occasions when I'm not trying to look more sensitive to a chick I'm trying to bang if they'd duct tape switch blade on kangaroos and then let them go at it with a bear.

I'm sure some of you PETA people would have a problem with my suggestion but I should point out that animals are always fighting each other in the wild. Why don't we sell tickets to nature's gladiator battles? You should be focusing on keeping capybaras from killing monkeys. If you love animals so much, you'd go out and shoot a bunch of capybaras before they eat another monkey.

Kimchi Cures SARS

2005-09-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

PYONGYANG (Reuters) - In North Korea, it may be a crime to speak ill of the Dear Leader, but visitors are also advised not to badmouth the beloved national dish.

"Kimchi can prevent SARS and bird flu," a North Korean official told reporters at a dinner in a state-owned restaurant in Pyongyang, urging them to spread the word around the world.

You know, North Korea has released propaganda about their dear leader being able to remember more numbers than Rainman and shooting 11 holes in one in his first game of golf ever but now they're just being silly. There is no way that pickled cabbage can cure anything besides constipation. Of course, you trade dysentery for constipation so it's still not that great.Kimchi is awful and I think it's the last straw. It's time for me to place a call...

Mr. President, execute order 66.

Just Say "No" to Robots.

2005-08-31T01:08:00.000-07:00

TOKYO - A child-shaped humanoid robot that can recognize about 10,000 words and work as a house sitter will go on sale in Japan in September.

The "Wakamaru" robot can recognize the faces of up to 10 people and talk to them. When linked to mobile phones, it can also work as a monitor to check situations at home, such as a burglary or someone falling ill, Mitsubishi-Heavy Industries Ltd. said in a statement Monday.

I've covered this before, HERE. I'm just going to remind everyone that our planet is destined to be conquered by robots, aliens, or apes. It might even be robot apes from outer space. That's actually pretty sweet. Fuck you guys, when the hairy mechanized intergalactic death bringers come, I'm jumping on their side. I want to try alien drugs.

But until then, fuck robots. Don't let this happen to you.

"AK-47 is the tool
Don't make me act the motherfuckin fool."
-Ice Cube

Doggy Style

2005-08-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

SAO PAULO, Brazil (Reuters) - A love motel, complete with a heart-shaped mirror on the ceiling and a headboard resembling a doggy bone, has opened for amorous pooches in Brazil.

The doggy love motel in Sao Paulo, South America's largest city, was inspired by the thousands of such establishments that rent rooms to Brazilian couples for four-hour periods for tryst

Buckle up, Lassie. Kujo is ready for lift off.

This has to be the stupidest idea since "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". Man, that show sucks. Dogs don't care where they fuck. Hell, I catch mutts humping next to the oil stain in my driveway all the time. Oil stains don't scream "romance". Since this is in Brazil, I can only assume that it's real purpose is to serve as a front to weirdo Europeans that are into bestiality. That's dumb. You can just go hang out on Bruno Beast's farm and smoke grass.

And by the way, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" really is an awful show. A recent review from Maxim gave them 4.5 stars and applauded them for not being another stereotypical bullshit sitcom. I think they're just trying to be nice so that they can get that blonde chick air-brushed up. These retards make "being funny" seem like it's as hard as laying the brick down for the Great Wall of China. At the end of the show, you just want them to sit down and take a breather. Maxim called it a "a working-class answer to Seinfeld". Sirs, I know Larry David. Larry David is a friend of mine. You sirs are no Larry David. OK, I don't know Larry David but this show is godididly damn horrible. If you had the choice between watching one episode of this lame attempt to be edgy or eating a beer bottle, eat the fucking bud light. It'll be less painful.

Burn Baby Burn

2005-08-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON - Redheads sunburn easily, but that may not be the only reason they are at high risk of skin cancer. New research suggests the pigment that colors their skin may set them up for cancer-spurring sun damage even if they do not burn.

Good. I don't know what it is about little sickly looking pale red-headed Irish kids that piss me off so much but god damn me if they don't turn my world upside down forcing me to throw rocks at innocent bystanders. That "Life with Bonnie" show had that fucking brat red head boy that looked like he had down syndrome. I wanted to bash my TV in with my bare feet. Then I'd dance in the shards of glass chanting "We're Not Gonna Take It". I don't have a problem when they grow up and almost look normal but pre-puberty Irish kids really piss me off.

Duke University researchers on Sunday reported the first direct evidence that those melanin differences indeed may be a culprit. It turns out that redheads' melanin is more vulnerable to a type of DNA-damaging stress from the sun's ultraviolet rays.

See? That's God's way of saying "get the fuck off of my planet". It's not the same God that's talking to Pat Robertson, it's the real deal.

I took it upon myself to illustrate a recent encounter with a young red headed boy.

THE END.

Dumbest Zoo Attraction Since "Throw Rocks at Jabari" Day

2005-08-27T03:23:00.000-07:00

LONDON (AFP) - London Zoo unveiled a new exhibition -- eight humans prowling around wearing little more than fig leaves to cover their modesty.

The "Human Zoo" is intended to show the basic nature of human beings as they frolic throughout the August bank holiday weekend.

"We have set up this exhibit to highlight the spread of man as a plague species and to communicate the importance of man's place in the planet's ecosystem," London Zoo said.

I don't know why I hate this so much. Well, I do know why. It's fucking stupid and it doesn't teach anybody anything. It seems like some hippie bullshit that only pretentious dick wads would find stimulating. They say that the volunteers are mimicking homo sapien behavior by wandering around in almost nothing. That's bullshit. Most humans have shame and shame is a beautiful thing. It keeps weird looking British people covered up and hidden from the rest of us. If you want to showcase human nature then you should give them a sofa, a fridge, a computer, and a TV. This will teach the youngsters that we're lazy fucks that sit around eating potato chips all day while drinking Mr. Pibb. They also say that it shows the spread of man as a species but I doubt that they have an exhibit where white men in frilly shirts and tight pants murder and rape people with brown skin. I'd check that out if it was at the Fort Worth Zoo.

This just in, It appears that one of the Human Zoo chicks has a blog and read my post on it. That's cool. It's pretty funny too.

Kids Write the President a Long Ass Letter.

2005-08-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (AFP) - Whoever said letter writing is out of fashion forgot to tell thousands of US schoolchildren, who plan to roll out a half-mile-long epistle to President George W. Bush next month.

Some 4,000 eight-to-ten year-olds from each of the 50 states and Washington D.C., were asked to write to President George W. Bush with their aspirations for America's future in a letter.

****

Another student, Gabe, from Morrice, Michigan, wrote "could you lower taxes and make smoking illegal? My dad is addicted to smoking and I tell him to quit."

Fucking children, why don't you just ask the president to make cocaine and drunk driving illegal too? Why must you ruin the rights that the constitution gives us?

This reminds me of the time I wrote a letter to the president in Elementary school. I was sitting at my desk working hard and the teacher stopped me. She made me out to look like a fool. She reminded me that Professor Xavier wasn't the president of the United States and that the X-men weren't real. She also pointed out that I wasn't a student there but a 20 year old sex offender. It was around this time that I felt the cuffs being slapped on. It's good to see that the schools are encouraging their students to take a more active approach with their government. That's what we need, more dick heads writing letters about inane bull shit. It's too bad that the Christopher Walken presidential run was fake because I couldn't wait to write him letters.

Dear Mr. Walken,

You were cool in that movie where you were crazy. I showed my cool friend George the movie and he agreed that you were cool. Can you make NAMBLA illegal? My daddy is addicted to them and I tell him to quit.

Love Always,
Will The Mother Fuckin' Thrill III

Mexican Women Pissed Off

2005-08-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Women's rights groups in Mexico are pissed off. I don't know why they're always pissed off. I'm sure something would make them happy. They're probably mad cause they're all ugly and no man wants to fuck them. Whatever...

Argentine model Dorismar poses for a publicity campaign poster aimed at halting the illegal consumption of endangered turtles' eggs in Mexico. The campaign has run into trouble before even starting, with a women's rights group asking government officials to block public announcements featuring the scantily clad model.

For those of you that don't habla the Mexicanese, the poster says, My man does not need to chow down on turtle eggs. Because he knows that it doesn't make him more potent. I'm a turtle owner and I know how dirty turtles can be so I think eating turtles or turtle eggs is disgusting. I don't know if it makes you more potent but I have a feeling that any man with this woman doesn't have any potentcy problems. Hell, I'm feeling quite potent right now and the only thing in my system are Camel Turkish golds and slim jims.

I think they should change their slogan since it obviously doesn't make any sense. I'd make it "stop eating turtle eggs and I'll bang you". That's something I can get behind and by "get behind" I mean support. Hell yeah, sexy double entendres

In related news, last night I noticed that somebody in Trinidad and Tobago find our website by doing an MSN search for, "girls porn with animals".

AMERICA UNDER ATTACK, A TEAM WILCO SPECIAL REPORT: The terrorist that rummages through your trash for something to eat...

2005-08-23T01:26:00.000-07:00

The latest chapter of the War on Terror takes us not to some nameless, lawless mountain range somewhere on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan, nor to the treacherous highway which runs from Bagdhad to the city airport, but rather, right here in these United States of America: on our street corners, asking for "some change, ya know, whatever you got extra, man, so I can get something to eat, and maybe catch the bus to the shelter, 'cuz there's some crazy shit going down in these streets tonight..." yes, that's right. BUMS.

The U.S. Attorney has sent an e-mail to government employees warning them of the threat of terrorists disguised as vagrants, based on a report issued by the State Department last week, calling for increased vigilence after the London terror attacks, referring to a recent incident in which a Massachusets police officer stopped and questioned a suspicious looking bum, and discovered a passport from a "country of intertest" ("terrorist-spawning shithole") and a checkbook with a questionable address.

Do not give this man your change.

Obviously, the vagrant is an ideal disguise for the islamofacist enemies of America. When trying to blend in with the civilized world, previous terrorist operatives had to partake in such activities as shaving, bathing, and other aspects of personal hygiene strictly forbidden by their interpretations of the Quran, which is all a non-issue when you're sleeping in a cardboard box underneath an overpass. Also, through a security loophole in the First Ammendment that the Patriot Act 3.0 is sure to fix, they are free to spout off their anti-American rhetoric in the open, which most people just dismiss as "homeless crazy talk".

You're probably asking yourself, "But how can I know if this guy asking to wash my windows with a dirty rag that'll only make my window less clean then it was before is a terrorist or just another worthless piece of human debris?" A big tip off would be if they're of Middle Eastern or Arab descent.

Because of this, they might try to disguise themselves as Mexicans. Do not let this fool you. Mexicans didn't come to this country so they could be bums. They came to this country to do the jobs that the bums are too lazy to do. If you see a bum pretending to be Mexican, alert the authorities as soon as possible.

Counterfeiting Ring Busted

2005-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

They ended up in jail instead, courtesy of an elaborate ruse by U.S. federal authorities hoping to bust up an international smuggling ring.

Lengthy undercover investigations on opposite sides of the country resulted in indictments of 87 Asians and U.S. citizens on charges of smuggling counterfeit money, drugs and cigarettes into the United States, law enforcement officials said Monday.

OK, I was just pre-law for a day and I kind of study for my LSATs now but when the hell has it been illegal to print fake money, cigarettes, and drugs? I thought this was America. I wasn't aware that this was Communist fucking East Germany. The wall came down God damn it. Yes, God damn. I use blasphemy like an American not like some godless socialist fuck. Our forefathers died so that Chinamen could print up phony money and fake ecstasy. They also made fake viagra. I fail to see why I'd have to take viagra while on ecstasy. I don't think I'm a good opinionist on that though. I've only done the drug like 30 or so times. The plot thickens though...

Some of the cigarettes were made in China, said acting assistant Attorney General John Richter.

The money appeared to have been produced in North Korea, two officials said on condition of anonymity because there are ongoing counterfeiting investigations involving similar phony currency.

Well, well, well... if it isn't our little "friends" North Korea and China. And by "friend" I mean douchey ass hole countries that are trying to slip us a date rape drug and fuck us in the ass without lube. I have a right to be nervous. Those people look different from me and you and that's scary. Well, they look different from you. I'm an Asian dude but only half. I'm half bad. Like I said yesterday, we need to teach these bastards a lesson. I was fine with just putting their hands in warm water while they sleep but now I think it's time for a wacky T-shirt. It's on mother fuckers.

That's right. I went there, bitch.

Hempfest

2005-08-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

SEATTLE, United States (AFP) - Thousands of marijuana fans openly celebrated their love of cannabis at a festival, despite a recent ruling by the nation's highest court backing federal law making pot illegal.

The crowd of revelers that strolled, snacked, socialized and smoked their way through Hempfest in the northwestern US city of Seattle tallied approximately 75,000 people by sundown, according to organizers.

Now, I love weed. I love pot like Star Jones loves flaming homosexuals and twinkies. I love it but I hate stoners. Call me self-hating but I can't stand to ruin my high by smoking with somebody that looks like this...

Arrrrrr, nice teeth matey.
I didn't think people caught the scurvy anymore.

I'd rather slice my eyeballs with Magic Johnson's razor blade than listen to those people talk about legalizing it, their favorite Phish songs, or some other stupid hippie bullshit. I'm Peter Tosh when I smoke, not Bob Marley. I'm a fucking Stepping Razor. I'd rather use that time to plot evil schemes and write jokes about Hitler and Jesus being bunk mates.

I have a few problems with the "legalize it" movement.

I have friends that make their living selling it and if the government takes their business, they'd have to go get real jobs like Lawyering or Accounting or some other bullshit.
<>People that resemble Spicolli are the ones that yell the loudest about legalization. Nobody respects Spicolli. Go out, get a job, dress like a real person, and avoid using words like "gnarly" and "bogus" you lame piece of shit. I had a hippie dude tell me his great plan for legalizing pot when I was hanging out at Sneaky Pete's once. He told me that they need to get a bunch of people to smoke weed on the courthouse, get arrested, and then have more people do it the next day. Nobody will post bail and the government will be forced to pay for all these pot heads. Eventually, they'll give up and BOOM, no more marijuana laws. This is the kind of bullshit that I'm talking about. Man, fuck that shit.

I think NORML is pretty good but that's because they try to attack it from a more sane point of view. They seem to be more organized and they use big words on their website. That's gnarly.

I think I lost my thoughts for a seconds. Oh yes, don't smoke weed with this "person"...

Seattle police didn't enforce marijuana laws during the festival and that's pretty cool I guess. It would have been sweet to see some good old fashion hippie bashing on TV though.

Pope Says "Just Say No" to Fad Religions

2005-08-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

COLOGNE, Germany (AFP) - Pope Benedict XVI issued a ringing back-to-basics call to more than one million young Catholics at a giant open air mass which marked a triumphant finale to his first foreign visit as pope.

Wrapping up a four-day visit to his native Germany, the 78-year-old pontiff said young people should turn their backs on secularism and faddish new-age religions.

He said there was "a kind of new explosion of religion" that if pushed too far, turned faith into "almost a consumer product."

Whatever Benedict. It's nice to say that but why don't you practice what you preach. We all saw Paco's Benedict Pez Dispenser he won at Dave & Busters while out of his skull on pills and booze. That's as sneaky as the cock faced camel that taught children that it was cool to smoke.

People always assume that I'm some militant anti-religion guy. That's not true at all. I wouldn't be alligned with a real life reverend if that was the case. Yes, Paco really is a reverend. I'm agnostic but I don't piss on others for their faith. If you want to believe in God or the teachings of Jesus Christ and it works for you, great. If you want to wear a giant sombrero with Buddha stitched into it and call yourself "Senor Badass", awesome. If you think that you can buy your way into heaven then I urge you to go out and buy a million copies of my Christian Rock Band's CD, Mel Gibson: Overdrive. Jesus is much like the Grateful Dead. He was a nice guy with pleasant things to say. He told everybody to be cool but his fans are assholes. I'm kidding. The Grateful Dead sucked and I'll get into a knife fight with any hippie that wishes to argue that.

I just hope the Pope said something bad about the lame "WWJD" bracelets and Jesus fish. I like Charles Barkley but I don't have "What Would the Round Mound of Rebound Do" all over my arms. Actually, that sounds pretty sweet. Barkley would probably throw a person through a window, beat up Shaq, and complain about white people. Hell yes.

North Korea Still Being a Cunt

2005-08-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

TOKYO (Reuters) - A U.S. satellite has detected signs that North Korea recently restarted a reactor that could be used for the extraction of material to make nuclear warheads, a Japanese newspaper said on Sunday.

The surveillance satellite detected steam coming out of a boiler connected to a building housing the five-megawatt reactor at Yongbyon, Asahi Shimbun said, quoting unnamed sources related to six-way nuclear crisis talks, including a senior U.S. official.

I see that Kim Jong Il has taken time from his busy golfing and number remembering schedule to devote his life back to the destruction of the earth. I think the solution is obvious. We should send a team of U.S. Navy Seals into North Korea and have them put everyone's hand in warm water while they sleep. They'll look quite foolish and we could all laugh at them. Take that commie arms dealing psycho pee pants! I think this would be a good time to train your children to speak Korean. They'll probably be sent off to fight there when they turn 20.

BTK Killer Gets It

2005-08-18T13:47:00.000-07:00

WICHITA, Kansas (CNN) -- Confessed BTK serial killer Dennis Rader was sentenced to life in prison Thursday for 10 murders after the court heard emotional statements from his victims' families and heard Rader himself express some remorse.

Well, I was hoping that Kansas would just screw the rules and give him death but hopefully Adebisi will prick him with an AIDs infected needle. Oz was an awesome show aside from the cock shots.

The Pope has a Brain Fart

2005-08-18T01:45:00.000-07:00

CASTEL GANDOLFO, Italy (AFP) -
Pope Benedict XVI acknowledged that he was absent-minded after forgetting to bless the hundreds of pilgrims who attended his weekly audience at his Castel Gandolfo summer residence.

The Nazi-Vampire-Palpatine Pope is forgetful. Personally, I think he just hates people. As an agnostic Catholic raised by agnostic Catholics who were raised by agnostic Catholics, I want my top guy to be cooler to people. If the people want a benediction, then give them a frigging benediction. Don't give me this "My mind is in Cologne" bullshit. You're the Pope. Your job is to bless the pilgrims, shun the homosexuals, and swim in Nazi gold. That's not too tough. I'm sure there is more but those are the most important parts.

It turns out that he realized he fucked up fairly soon after his fuck up...

The crowd gathered in the palace courtyard was surprised to see the Pope return to his window several moments after leaving after greeting pilgrims in several languages.

"I ask for your forgiveness, but I have forgotten the most important greeting, the greeting to the pilgrims in the Italian language," he told them.

Popes don't have brain farts. They don't even fart. God reverses their gas and makes it come out of their skin as Brute cologne. That's a mighty manly sweat there Mr. King of Catholics.

Soccer School

2005-08-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German adult education center is offering a women-only crash course on the basics of soccer to prepare them for next year's World Cup.

I think that's great. True, I think soccer is stupid but I'd like to see a course in basketball or American football for women here. I've dated girls before, yes, real live girls with boobs and everything and I didn't even have to pay them, and they always wanted to learn more about the sport. I do my best to explain it but some of that shit, football in particular, can be very confusing for me to explain when I'm drunk. I'd love to be able to sit down with a girlfriend and be able to enjoy a basketball game with them. As long as they don't like the spurs, the lakers, or the kings, that shit just don't fly in my house. That's a quick trip to fist city. Knuckle up, whore.

I seem to recall something about places offering a quick education in football. I don't know if this was an actual story or if I just thought it up while high one night. Either way, I think it's a good idea.

BTK Killer is Evil and should be Killed.

2005-08-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

If you don't know the BTK killer story then you really shouldn't be allowed to live in this world. Are you trying to avoid the news? Do you never listen to people when they speak? It's one of the most talked about stories all year. I'll put up a few pieces from an article about the asshole...

WARNING (and I don't give a lot of warnings) this shit is really fucked up. I wouldn't read it if you have a soul. I can't even read it without feeling just awful.

The 60-year-old Rader, who called himself BTK, for "bind, torture and kill," showed little emotion on the first day of the hearing.

But relatives of those he killed sobbed and hung their heads as they listened to how Rader stalked and slowly killed his victims, largely for sexual gratification, in a 17-year murder spree.

The agents told the courtroom that shortly after his arrest last February Rader confessed to 10 murders, telling them that in one killing Rader used toys to try to distract three small children as he bound and strangled their mother.

In another he pulled a chair next to a bed so he could relax while 9-year-old boy suffocated in the plastic bag Rader wrapped around his head.

His first victims were four members of the Otero family, whom he killed in their Wichita-area home in 1974. Rader said he went after the Oteros because he was attracted to the Hispanic features of 11-year-old Josephine.

He killed her parents and younger brother while Josephine wept and called for her mother. Then he led the girl to the basement, telling her she would soon join her family in heaven, Kansas Bureau of Investigation agent Larry Thomas testified.

Rader removed some of the girl's clothes, groped her and hung her from a sewer pipe, masturbating alongside her body as she died, according to Thomas.

He admits that he did it all but he doesn't show any remorse for the horrible acts. I heard his confessions and they seem as though he's bragging. He's the worse of the worse when it comes to human beings. Hell, I won't do that to us. He's not a human being. He's not even an animal. He's pure evil. I would be honored if they'd let me go to work with a chainsaw on his nuts. What really pisses me off is this little fact...

He will not be executed because Kansas did not reinstate the death penalty until after his crimes, which occurred between 1974 and 1991 and spread a wave of terror through the Wichita area.

Now, regular readers know that I'm a self-proclaimed liberal but, I do think that we should kill murderers and rapist. I think that's something the right has well... right. I'd actually like to see them get forced to fight to the death on PPV. What does the winner get? A bullet in the fucking brain. I really think that Kansas should just say "fuck the laws" and fry his sick ass. This guy gets off on his fame. I don't want to have him around to see his legend grow even more. I admit, part of me finds his story fascinating but I'm so ashamed of that.

Kill the prick. Kill him in the most horrible and painful way possible. Call up Saddam and find out what he'd do to athletes that under-performed. Torture this man. Make him feel the pain of his victims. Line up family members of his victims, stuff his stomach with candy, hang him from a tree, and let them pinata his ass. Break every single bone in his body. Make him suffer. Kill him.

I know people like my light hearted fun blogs. Well, some people... some people find me to be a horrible person who deserves the same things that I suggested we do to the BTK killer. I call them PETA and they hate me for the whale eating post. They also confuse me for Paco. Whatever. The point is that not everything is funny. I'll be back to writing lame dick jokes soon.

50 Dollar Laptop Causes 5,500 People to Stampede

2005-08-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

RICHMOND, Va. - A rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far as to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line.

"This is total, total chaos," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling blacktop with one foot bare.

It's really fucked up to piss yourself just so that you can score a 50 dollar laptop. Those ibooks seem pretty sweet. I've only been able to play with two of them but I don't think I'd go number one in my pants to get them. It's not like they're tickets to Dokken or something.

I'm kidding, Dokken sucks.

Fifty bucks is a damn good price for a laptop. You can't even get a stolen one at that price. Not that I'd know, I'm as legit as MC Hammer. I would have charged 100 bucks a pop. That's still better than any stolen good and decent enough to still get the same response. Public schools really are stupid.

People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. A little girl's stroller was crushed in the stampede. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.

Man, you'd think that Nautica Thorn was giving out free blowjobs.

The Lamest Burglar Ever

2005-08-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

In the long list of things that a criminal shouldn't do, returning to the scene of the crime to leave an apology note is high up there. You also shouldn't moon the jury at your trial.

LISBON (AFP) - A burglar who broke into an office in Portugal last week, making off with a portable safe that contained just 10 euros (12.5 dollars), reportedly returned over the weekend to leave a note apologizing for the theft.

First, it's too bad that the man only got 12 bucks. That's a down right pathetic score. How the hell are you going to maintain your heroin habit with that kind of grab? Now, I'm not saying that I am/was a criminal. I'm not saying that I've ever broken into some place and stole stuff. I'm not even saying that I've scammed people out of a little cash by pretending to be a retarded homeless guy while wandering around down town Fort Worth. I'm not saying any of that until my trial comes. I just think it's shotty work to return to the crime scene in order to leave a "my bad" note. Hell, at least have the decency to wait 60 years like Japan.

Il Communication

2005-08-15T02:41:00.000-07:00

God damn it. I got beaten to the punch. I was working on something but I didn't tell anybody. I was tired of cock suckers stealing ideas from me and/or Paco. My idea? A database of Kim Jong Il propaganda. There isn't a story here but I saw the headline in Yahoo news and now I have something to read when I get bored. If you're not familiar with North Korean propaganda then you're missing out. It's way better than the shit we get here. Don't believe me? Just ask Paco. For those of you who don't even know who Kim Jong Il is, you're fucking stupid and you don't deserve to live. Watch Team America: World Police since you obviously never pick up a fucking news paper. America, fuck yeah!

Japan is Sorry

2005-08-15T02:22:00.000-07:00

The Prime Minister of Japan apologized for invading countries during World War II on the 60th anniversary of the Japanese surrender.

That's nice of him. I think the best way to handle dick moves is to wait a long time. So, I will take it upon myself to apologize on behalf of all Filipinos. Since I'm the closest thing to a strong Filipino leader these days, it's my duty and honor to apologize for killing Ferdinand Magellan. Our bad, playa.

I think Japan should apologize for that weird hentai tentacle rape porn too. I can't imagine that shit is healthy for 12 year old boys going through their sexual development. Thanks for the hibachi though and old Godzilla kicks ass. I don't like the one that got it's ass kicked by Ferris Bueller. That was totally weak.

Cops Called to Handle a Tiger

2005-08-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Some cops were called in to take care of a tiger that was living in the backyard of a Bronx home. It turns out that the tiger was fake. If it had been a fake black panther, the cops would have beat it, tasered it, and planted 10 pounds of crack cocaine on it. It's standard police practice.

Do you call the cops on a neighbor that might have a tiger? I don't think I would. Sure, I'd be scared shitless but I think pissing off a neighbor that is crazy enough to own a tiger is more dangerous.

In completely unrelated news...

South Korea really does have a monopoly on the wacky apes doing wacky things market.

Maybe Video Games are Dangerous

2005-08-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

SEOUL (Reuters) - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said Tuesday.

The 28-year-old man, identified only by his family name Lee, had been playing on-line battle simulation games at the cybercafe in the southeastern city of Taegu, police said.

First, I'm sorry that the Lee family had to suffer like this. You know, having a dork ass 28 year old computer gaming junkie. Thank God that the bastard kicked the bucket, I'd imagine that he was quite the embarrassment.

Second, I'm fairly certain that I've been up longer than that while on various drugs. This guy was a total pussy. I guess video games do cause deaths. Maybe it was just God's way of letting people know that they should go get fucking jobs.

This might come as a shock considering that I am a "blogger" and I spend a large amount of my time online but I absolutely loathe internet gamers. I admit that I am a dork but those people are all a bunch of elitist dick wads that overcompensate for their shitty lives by being really really good at Counter-Strike. Real people deal with that stuff with drugs and/or alcohol. Pick up a 40 ounce and chase that fucking dragon, geek.

I was apathetic towards them until I went to the CyberAthlete Professional League Tournament at the Gaylord Resort in Grapevine last year for a Pugs and Kelly Live Broadcast. These people, these fucking people, make me want to vomit on some grass clippings and call it spaghetti. Apparently, hygiene isn't important when you're in a "frag fest", whatever the fuck that is, sounds kind of gay to me. Pugs and Kelly were announcing that they were giving free shit away. Now, people love free shit. Free shit is great. Every single geek in the place bum rushed their table and poor ol' Will the Blogger was stuck in the middle of the funk fest. It was worse than the time I had to puke in a porta-san at a concert, fucking acid. I was taking pictures for Pugs and Kelly's website and I think I captured the actual odor coming from these dirty bastards...

See what I mean? Don't you just want to punch them all in their stupid faces? They irritated the shit out of me.

There was this group of 5 or so Vietnamese kids that were being really douchey. When Pugs and Kelly were trying to do a live spot, they kept trying to talk into the mic. I had to come down on them hard to get them to shut their mouth. These people are just like animals. Violence and threats of violence are the only thing they understand. After the show was over, Paco pulled out his pack of cigarettes and these kids actually went out of their way to tell him that smoking gives you cancer. Paco reminded them that going outside can give you cancer too. Shortly after, we lined up Paco, former P and K monkey boy Cody, some listener, and my cousin Robby to do a little reenactment with Sybil, super duper producer of the Pugs and Kelly show.

After that, the fucking brats got smart. They told us that our picture was disrespectful to the troops. They obviously never accidentally watched the news or read a god damn newspaper. If they did then they'd know that we were ripping on Lindy England's semi-retarded ass and not the troops as a whole. I'm not going to let some 13 year old kid preach to me about ethics. When he's looked down at a burning corpse that used to be his best friend, he can talk to me. When he's surrounded by Charlie, out of ammo, and only armed with his bayonet, then he can talk to me. When he's shoved a knife into the ice cold communist heart of a VC bastard, tasting the blood of his opponent in a spray of crimson, while screaming "LET FREEDOM RING YOU RED COMMIE FUCK!", then he can talk to me. You know, in real life and not in a fucking game of Quake.

Oh, and some dork made fun of Paco for thinking that some super hip new game was Quake. Paco retaliated by raping his pets and telling him that Santa Claus isn't real.

If you're an online gaming nerd and you're offended by this, deal with it loser and wash your ass.

Murderous Disgusting Pig and the Poor Son of Bitch that Married her.

2005-08-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

COLUMBUS, Ohio (Reuters) - An escaped convict and his wife who shot a guard to death outside a Tennessee courtroom were apprehended at a motel in Columbus, Ohio, on Wednesday.

George Hyatte and Jennifer Hyatte surrendered on Wednesday evening after about 20 law-enforcement officers surrounded their motel room, John Bolen of the U.S. Marshals Service told CNN.

After evacuating motel guests from nearby rooms, an officer phoned the couple's room and told Jennifer Hyatte "that the room was surrounded and that essentially they had no hope of escape," Bolen said.

Married couple turned murderous fugitives, it's so romantic. It's like Bonnie and Clyde, Mickey and Mallory Knox, Mork and Mindy. Their love was a love that Johnny Law couldn't allow. What healthy couple hasn't discussed killing somebody in order to maintain their relationship? This wouldn't be a Team Wilco post without a twist. Here it comes.

This guy...

is married to this thing

That should be against the law. Nobody that god damn hideous should be allowed to get married, reproduce, or go outside. Fuck all you people trying to ban gay marriage, let's ban ugly people from fucking up the gene pool even more. The dude doesn't look that bad. He's no Denzel Washington but he certainly doesn't resemble something that a cat would leave in a litter box. His wife does. She probably smells bad too. She looks like she stinks like a Korean market therefore she does. Why didn't anybody at his wedding oppose that union? Why didn't somebody pull George aside and tell him, "dude, your fucking fiance is disgusting,". Just knowing that something as gross as that is out there makes me never want to get wood again. This is proof that God doesn't exist. Sorry, Christians.

I believe "that the heart wants what the heart wants". I also believe that this jackass needs a heart transplant pronto.

Before you people start bashing me, sending me hate mail, and telling me "she's a human being and they're in love blah blah blah bullshit" remember this...

She's not a human being.
She's also a murderer.
The San Antonio Spurs are the devil.
So is Larry the Cable Guy, man fuck that dude.

Peter Jennings is Dead

2005-08-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Peter Jennings is dead. If you haven't heard about this yet then you're probably stupid because the story is everywhere. I found out at 2 AM when Paco told me that ABC broke in with a "Peter Jennings is dead pre-produced package". I would have wrote up a post on it but I was stumbling around after taking an ambien, two xanax, and three beers. I'm shocked that I could even remember what was on my computer screen right before I passed out.

I always liked Peter Jennings. He was likable and he seemed like the kind of guy that might hit you for getting out of line. I respect that.

I'll pour a 40 of O.E. for ya homie.
One Love.

I think Team Wilco should prepare pre-packaged pieces for our deaths. It's bound to happen pretty soon.

Cry Baby Cries

2005-08-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

BANGOR - Fed up with comments such as "men are jerks" and "men are idiots," a former male nurse at Eastern Maine Medical Center has filed a lawsuit in federal court alleging he was sexually harassed by the female nursing staff and discriminated against on the basis of gender.

Daniel Lufkin, 41, of Medford also alleges that EMMC violated the Maine Human Rights Act, the Civil Rights Act, and the Family and Medical Leave Act, and retaliated against him for filing complaints over his alleged treatment.

Haha, this story is from Bangor. Bangor!

I wonder if I could be sued for sexual harassment for calling this guy a 41 year old cancer stricken vagina. Some of us would like to go back to the way we used to speak. I've heard rants from bitter old men that women have ruined the work place with their "feelings" and "periods". I don't know if that's true but the source of these allegations aren't the most credible. If that is true then why don't we, as men, shut up, take it on the chin, and act like we got some curly bits on our enormous balls. I'm sure that if he would have returned the slam with a "women are the source of all that is evil in the world and we should paint the major cities with their blood" then the bitch would have filed charges on him but I seriously think that this puss should get over it. It's not like she grabbed your dick and said, "hey, little man". That might be out of line. All she said was that men are idiotic jerks and let's face it, we are. This is why I don't date dudes. I wonder how the naughty office gets away with the stuff that they do to each other. Man, I'd love to get a job there.

A TEAM WILCO EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Another hot female teacher has sex with her male students

2005-08-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

Meet Sandra "Beth" Geisel, 42 year old mother of 4 and volunteer teacher at the Christian Brothers Academy in Colonie, New York, where her teenage son went.

Well, she was a teacher there.

She spent a day in jail Monday before posting $20,000 bail on charges she raped a 16-year-old boy during two alleged sexual trysts in May — one in a school football field's press box, the other at her home in the Albany suburb of Latham. She is also allegeded to have fooled around with a couple of other 17 year old boys, but she will not be charged since 17 is the age of consent in New York.

Whatever. Whoever this 16 year old kid is, he's a complete homo. That is the hottest 42 year old mother of 4 I have seen in my life, he's lucky to have nailed her. He knew what he was doing, he was 16. If I was 16, I would of... well, I won't go into what I'd do. Let's just say it's be nasty.

The person who I believe is the real victim is her son, who goes to this school. It's bad enough she was just "the hot mom", now she's "the hot mom who went to jail for fucking a bunch of dudes at your school". That's tough. Poor kid.

This is part of an unusual phenomena of hot female teachers seducing their vulnerable young male students, known as "Mary Kay Letourneau" syndrome.

Hall of Famer Mary Kay Letourneau,
the Michael Jordan of female pedophile teachers

So, we present to you a Team Wilco exclusive:

TEAM WILCO PRESENTS:
THIS YEAR IN FEMALE
TEACHERS HAVING SEX
WITH THEIR STUDENTS

January 20, 2005 - Rebecca Ann Boicelli, a 33 year old teacher at Redwood City's Roy Cloud Elementary School, is arrested on one count of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor and three counts of lewd acts with a minor, after DNA tests proved her baby was that of an 18 year old former student, who was 16 at the time of conception and 14 when they first began this affair.

February 10, 2005 - Pamela Rogers Turner, former Miss WCW Monday Nitro and 27 year old gym teacher and girl's basketball coach at the Centertown Elementary School in Centertown, Tennessee is arrested for 28 sexual misconduct charges, accusing her of having sex with a 13-year-old boy who attended her school.

The kid who ratted her out is a fucking douchebag.

May 9, 2005 - Donna Sue Lopus, a 39 year old substitute teacher in Merino, Colorado is arrested on allegations of sexual assault on a child by one in a position of trust, after an allegeded relationship with a MENTALLY DISABLED student that last 22 months, which included late night car rides with intercourse in the backseat, and oral sex at Lopus's home.

May 21, 2005 - Mary Kay Letourneau, 43, and her former 6th grade student, Vili Fualaau, 22, are married, following weeks of hype by Entertainment Tonight. The two allready had 2 children together, the 2nd of which Letourneau gave birth to in prison while serving 7 years for raping Fualaau.

Nice Kangol hat, it completey covers up the
fact you're 21 years older then your husband.

May 28, 2005 - Rebecca Ann Boicelli pleads no contest one count of a lewd act upon a child at least 10 years younger than herself as part of a plea bargain, after her defense attorney unsuccessfully argued to have the case dismissed, probably because she's a disgusting pig.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

July 6, 2005 - Prosecutors add new felony charges against Donna Sue Lopus, regarding her affair with a mentally handicapped student.

July 7, 2005 - Joan Marie Sladky, a 27 year old high school Spanish teacher at Redwood Baptist School in Redwood City, California, is charged with four counts of unlawful sexual intercourse, penetration with a foreign object and oral copulation in connection with the alleged relationship with the teen between December 2003 and January 2004, and she allegedly had sex once at the student's home and three times at Sladky's home, which is on the church/school property.

July 18, 2005 - As previously reported on Team Wilco, the defense attorney for Debra Lafave, the Greco Middle School teacher accused of having sex with her 14-year-old student, rejects a plea bargain from the prosecutor, saying his client is "too pretty" to go to prison.

Fitzgibbons said the prosecution's plea deal involved "significant prison time'' and he found that unacceptable.

"To place Debbie into a Florida state women's penitentiary, to place an attractive young woman in that kind of hell hole, is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions,'' Fitzgibbons said.

Entirely way too pretty for prison, house arrest
is the obvious punishment... house arrest at my house.

August 3, 2005 - Dawn Reiser, a 30 year old 7th grade teacher at Holy Trinity Catholic School in Grapevine, Texas, accused of having sex with a 13-year-old male student is convicted Wednesday of aggravated sexual assault of a child and indecency with a child, and could face a maximum sentence of life in prison. The day before, her now 14 year old former lover described her as "slutty" while on the stand.

Normally these types of things don't carry a
possible life sentence, but she was also convicted
on 12 counts of being a disgusting pig.

Kim Jong Il is Better than Tiger Woods. He's Better than Every Single Person on Earth

2005-08-03T02:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I did a post about Kim Jong Il's number thing. I failed to realize what I read at the end of the article. Fark.com had to point it out to me just now.

Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.

Well, Kim Jong Il must be the greatest man that ever walked the planet. Jesus couldn't even hit 11 holes in one and everyone knows that Jesus was one hell of a golfer. I wish I had a propaganda machine behind me like Kim Jong Il. I'd imagine that people have to believe Kim Jong's lies or they get a facial from a pistol. Or maybe, he really is better than all of us... you know, aside from that whole evil dictator thing.

I've done a little research and discovered more fun facts about this renaissance man.

Kim Jong Il will drink you under the table just to remind you that you're not as manly. He also smokes cigarettes because they make him look cool. You can't hang out with him because you're lame. He'll totally steal your lunch money and use it to pay for abortions. He had unprotected sex with every cheerleader that you went to high school and college with. You couldn't hold his dick with a baseball glove. He replaced your mother's tonsils with his nuts. He' s a man. You're not.

Kim Jong Il is not only a man of golf, math, and nukes. He's a man of art. Here he is with his Korean Boy Band "Da Math Klub". They are the greatest band ever. Even better than the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and Funkadelic. "The White Album" was a complete rip off of Da Math Klub's debut album "Pillow Fight, Out of Sight".

It's true. His hands really do cure genital warts. He also shits out pure gold and his tears are made of Dr. Pepper. That's a mighty tasty cry. He is also related to every single Korean athlete in American sports. I wouldn't brag about that one if I were you. Kim Jong Il has a jet pack and laser eyes. He uses it to combat zombies and friggin' Draculas.

These aren't "yes men". They're very independent people who are never swayed. Kim Jong Il is such a good orator that he gets them to do silly things. He's funny like that. I want yes men.... and yes women. I'd actually just like a woman to say "yes" for once. I'm tired of the pepper spray.

Yes, Kim Jong Il is the greatest person alive. He's the total package. He has no fears... well, except for one...

Team Wilco running for President in 2008.
Poster made by Paco.

Ecstasy is Good for You

2005-08-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Amphetamines — especially the drug known as ecstasy — may prompt new Parkinson's treatments, based on tests done on mice.

I've wanted to keep this a secret but I can't stand to keep it from everyone. It's not fair to my family, my country, or my friends. I have Parkinson's. I'm dopey from a lack of dopamine. Now, give me some ecstasy. You know, for the treatment. The wild freaky sex with naive college girls is just a pleasant side-effect.

We contacted Muhammed Ali for a comment but he just started dancing like a prick with some glow sticks.

Kim Jong Il is Rainman

2005-08-02T02:07:00.000-07:00

SEOUL (Reuters) -
North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-il never forgets a phone number, a cadre's career or a line of computer code.

According to an article posted on Tuesday on a Web site run by North Korea, Kim wakes up early every day for intensive memory training where he sits down and commits to his keen mind items such as the phone numbers of workers in his Stalinist state.

"I remember all computer codes and telephones that workers are using now," Kim was quoted as saying on the Web site "Uri-Min-jok-kiri" (www.uriminzokkiri.dprkorea.com), or "Among our People."

Well, somebody is a big fat bragger. That is something to brag about though. Kim Jong Il is like Rainman, if Rainman was an evil dictator that'll help throw the world into the war that will surely kill us all. This sounds like North Korean propaganda. I'm sure those people would be impressed by people remembering numbers and shit.

Well North Korea, big fucking deal. Our president wears a cowboy hat, drives a pick up, and hangs out at his ranch. That's way cooler than remembering numbers and useful shit like that. He doesn't need to remember that stuff. He has a PDA. Only high school geeks in spock ears remember shit like that. Our president probably banged cheerleaders without condoms. Hell yeah, no rubbers.

I still think our leader could kick their leader's ass.

Johns Have Rights Too

2005-08-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

Chicago's use of the Internet to humiliate customers of prostitutes, or "johns," has led to concerns that the practice may violate constitutional rights.

At issue is Chicago's recent decision to run a Web site that posts the names and photos of people who have been arrested for soliciting a prostitute -- but not convicted.

Attorneys and law enforcement officials argue that the practice violates a person's constitutional right to a fair trial, and could lead to lawsuits down the road.

Shit like this reminds me why I'm studying for my LSATs... and by studying I mean watching the Bad News Bears (original bigoted Tanner version) and Arrested Development on DVD while somebody else tries to study. She then yells at me cause the TV is too loud. I'm tempted to beat her to death with her own law book but I just slap her on the ass and tell her to shut up. Considering the other option, I think she owes somebody a great deal of gratitude.

I'm not saying that buying a prostitute isn't awful. I've known guys that buy 5 dollar blowjobs from toothless crack whores that stink of feces and cheap vodka. That's pretty awful. Decent smack using hookers are good family fun though. Getting a little oral in the VIP's VIP room at a strip joint from a girl that looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar after she got punched in the face is just fine. It's fine as long as you don't kiss her. Dude, what were you thinking? This is why Team Wilco doesn't respect you. Fucking weirdo.

Let's just say that... I don't know, lets call him "Phil the Logger"... is over at Harry Hines. Now, Phil's back has been killing him because of all the work he's put into "Logging". It's painful sometimes to be funny on the fly, not that being witty has anything to do with "logging". Phil sees a sign for "Asian/Swedish Massage". He thinks to himself, "hey, those Chinawomen and/or Viking bitches are good at rubbing. I'll stop by to get some work done on my back." Phil doesn't know that "non therapeutic massage" is just code for a whore house. Phil the Logger is just a everyday man like you and me. Though, you and I know where to get the good paid blow jobs. OK, Phil is an idiot. Phil gets his massage and at the end, the girl wonders if he'd like her to "finish him off". Phil, not used to the inner workings of these types of places, gives her the green light. She starts pumping away at Phil the Logger's tree stump and then all of a sudden, BOOM! Dallas PD, in a rare act of actual police work concerning whore houses, breaks down the door and everyone is in jail. Phil isn't a bad man. He doesn't deserve to be placed amongst people that frequent the "non therapeutic colonic and massage" section of the Dallas Observer. Let Phil have his dignity. He just had back pain. Freedom rings in the hearts of everyone you yellow commie bastard. Let it ring in our pants and wallets as well. That's America brother... that's America.

Dog Camp

2005-08-01T02:07:00.000-07:00

A group of dogs is taken to a day camp near Bogota in a bus in this photo taken on June 30, 2005

There is no real story here. I just thought the picture was funny. Of course, I'm pretty drunk right now so I probably think just any picture is funny. This is like dogs playing poker or monkeys smoking. These dogs are in Bogota so they probably have cocaine in condoms inside of their stomach. All the more reason to like these dogs. Hell yes. Sir, hell yes indeed.

Hell yeah, smoking monkeys
are friggin' funny.

Dr. Feelgood

2005-08-01T01:59:00.000-07:00

ALBANY, N.Y. - The license of a Clifton Park obstetrician/gynecologist who had sex in a hospital waiting room and who induced another woman's labor early so he wouldn't have to change his vacation plans has been revoked by state health officials.

***
Abraham, 40, had a five-month sexual relationship in 2002 with a troubled 25-year-old woman he was treating, including encounters with her in his office and in a waiting room at St. Peter's Hospital in Albany for doctors on call, according to health officials.

He was also accused of forcing the woman to have sex with him against her wishes.

Ok, so I'm against forcing a woman to have sex with you. Sort of. Do naive college girls count? It's not like they're real people or anything. Don't judge me. You ain't my real dad. However, that whole inducing labor so that vacation time doesn't get screwed up sounds right up my alley. So your child has to spend a few weeks in a plastic box with nothing but machines, that's not THAT big a deal. Pugs did it and he seemed to turn out OK. So, what's the big fucking deal?

Dude seriously, God Ain't Fucking Around with the Scouts.

2005-07-30T03:21:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I talked about the possibility of God hating the boy scouts and the pedophiles that run it. On Thursday, I brought more evidence to my case.

SAN FRANCISCO (AFP) - Lightning hit a pack of Boy Scouts camping in the US Sierra Mountain foothills, killing an adult leader and injuring seven other members of the group in the second tragedy to hit US scouting this week, park rangers said.

OK, This is just getting rigoddamndiculous now. I'm just going to flat out say it. God has declared jihad on the Boy Scouts of America. If your son or sons are in scouts, I would advise you to take them out now. If you plan on enlisting your children into scouts, try pee wee football and karate instead. Camping is stupid without peyote anyway. I will never let my son in scouts. That was not an acceptance of that bastard you bitch. You know who you are. We have the test later this week and until the doctor says that he's mine, you just keep your happy sweet perfectly tight cheating ass in Richardson. If the little guy is mine then I'll knuckle up and do the right thing, move to the Philippines. Excuse me for being skeptical over your allegations. Let's not forget why we're not going out anymore. You know, aside from the whole pill popping drunken asshole thing that I got going for me. You know what I'm talking about. I know you read this. Answer your god damn phone. Where was I again? Oh right...

I never trusted the boy scout organization. I always thought it was a little creepy. Old men taking a bunch of kids into the woods, just seems so gaypedophiliaish. I just can't stop picturing canteen boy from Saturday Night Live. The deaths are awful though. It's a bad time to be a boy scout. I think it might be time to disband. Listen to me flounder, I'm pre-med.

More Panda Propaganda

2005-07-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

I've been called a fucking idiot over my recent panda paranoia. I don't care what my mother says, those things are planning something.

SAN DIEGO - The stork is on its way back to the San Diego Zoo's giant panda habitat. Zoo officials announced Thursday that the 13-year-old panda, Bai Yun, is pregnant again, with twins.

Yet another panda is pregnant with twins. A panda in D.C. gave birth earlier this year and one in Atlanta looks like she is knocked up. This is obviously another weapon that the Chinese will use when we go into World War III.

Bai Yun prepares another shiv while
plotting for the revolution.

For other examples of panda propaganda... HERE and HERE

PETA: Fish are not swimming vegetables, Rest of the World: No shit.

2005-07-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

PETA, is a group who's genuine love of all living things is only matched by their insanity and acts of ostentation. These fucking people are still pissed off about fishing.

The Citgo Bassmaster Classic, sometimes known as the Super Bowl of fishing tournaments, will be held this weekend on the three rivers.

A billboard that just went up south of here on Route 51 isn't part of the promotional effort. It's a digitally altered depiction of a dog being yanked by a hook in its mouth.

"If you wouldn't do this to a dog, why do it to a fish?" asks the billboard, funded by the Fish Empathy Project. That is a campaign launched last fall by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), stepping up earlier anti-fishing efforts.

That's just tasteless. I've been denied my billboard for years now. I don't see how a dog being dragged around with a hook in his mouth is any better than Bill Hicks, Jesus, Fat Elvis, Genghis Khan, and me shooting craps in a bathroom with the home numbers of my ex-girlfriends littered all over the sign. Paco covered PETA and fish a while back and I talked about my hatred for Ingrid Newkirk and Michael W. Fox so, I'll keep this brief. Fuck PETA in their collective vegan asshole with a Siberian tiger's severed dick.

My father was a pro-fisherman for most of my life. He helped to pay for my wasted college education by fishing in bass tournament leagues. His success as an angler improved the living conditions of my family and I don't just mean my insane immediate family. He was able to support many of our extended insane Filipino Island Monkey family members and our extended insane New England/Florida white trash family members. I believe that torturing fish was well worth it. If you want to make me feel bad by replacing the word "fish" with "dog", I regret to inform you that it still doesn't change my mind. I wouldn't want to hook my dog, reel him in, shove him in a live well, and then parade him around for a bunch of retarded trailer trash who stink of power worm and Copenhagen. Would I hook a bunch of wild dogs roaming around somewhere? Sure, why not? Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't think bass fishing is a sport. It's hard, it's competitive, and it pays but so does construction work. I just think that it's one of those "sports" that people are attracted to because it gets you away from your wife and it hasn't been ruined by minorities yet. Well, aside from the Japanese.

Before you hippies pile out of your VW bus and accuse me of being a jerkwad evil conservative, it should be noted that I'm a jerkwad evil liberal. I'm constantly referred to as a "Jew-loving communist" by my uncles and Paco. I've always considered myself "left winged, right handed, and both sides of the brain-ed". However, I'm always being given shit by "trendy college liberals" because I firmly believe that animals are stupid and should be consumed. If a cow could, it would eat you. You should strike before evolution does a solid for the bovine beast and gives it fangs. I don't care what you people say, a deer's antlers aren't just for showing off to all the deer pussy, those things are certified human baby impalers.

Big Ass Fire in Fort Worth

2005-07-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

If you live in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, you probably heard about the big ass chemical plant fire in Fort Worth. If you haven't you should go outside, look over to North Fort Worth, and check out the huge clouds of smoke. I hear you can see this everywhere. An ex-girlfriend in Richardson says that she can see it and that the kid really is mine. Whatever, crazy lady. Paco can see it from Flower Mound but he says that it looks blue. Pugs and Kelly could see it from that fucked up part of Dallas that they work at. Immediately after hearing about this fire, I decided to take my trusty digital camera and head for the scene.

Hey, look at the smoke in that last picture. Does that image look familiar to you?

That's right. It's freakin' Africa. This chemical plant probably has something to do with that disease filled African Fart Cloud that's coming this way.

I ended up stuck in heavy traffic while going North on 35w. It reminded me that everyone in the world is a giant asshole except for me. I noticed that my sister's car was running out of gas, my car was getting work done to it, and I had to turn around. It turns out that my kid sister would rather put all her money into getting a thicker sack instead of securing her transportation. That's cool, I can't really argue with that logic. I was upset that I couldn't be live on the scene but then I realized that I was in Rosedale. As we all know, Rosedale has the best... gas... yes, gas. So, I stopped off to pick up some gas and... bottled water and turned around. I did take a picture of the fire on TV.

The news says that nobody has died and only three people are in the hospital with minor injuries. That's pretty amazing considering the bitchin'' quality of this explosion. They've evacuated the Riverside area schools which is good because those schools suck. They only make kids dumb. It seems like the fire isn't going to weaken any time soon. The firefighters are saying that they can't really extinguish it. They're just going to let the chemicals burn out and contain it. I watch "Rescue Me" so I know that while they're doing this they're having witty conversations laced with testosterone. I'm guessing that these chemicals are pretty toxic. So if you're going to go check it out, I suggest bringing an oxygen mask.

So in conclusion, this fire seems pretty awesome but it has the potential to turn dickish.

More on this story as it unfolds...

UPDATE:

NBC 5 has done a write up on their website and posted pictures of the fire.

Check out the article HERE.

The new pictures

The more they talk about the chemicals that are burning the more it seems like this is just one giant meth lab explosion. I suggest we start questioning the local trailer parks.

God Still Hates the Boy Scouts

2005-07-28T03:55:00.000-07:00

BOWLING GREEN, Va. - The Boy Scouts marched onto the field singing, plopping down in the grass to wait for
President Bush. But hours later, the news that Bush couldn't make it was drowned out by sirens and shouts as hundreds fell ill because of the blistering heat.

About 300 people, most of them Scouts, suffered from dehydration, fatigue and lightheadedness Wednesday — just days after four Scout leaders were killed at the national Jamboree while pitching a tent beneath a power line.

This just furthers my point from earlier in the week... God hates the boy scouts.

He sure loves the girl scouts though.

Hell yeah, milk and cookies.

"Artist" had his "Artwork" Stolen and Possibly Drunk.

2005-07-28T03:43:00.000-07:00

LONDON (AFP) - An artist appealed for the return of an artwork that consisted of a bottle of water on a plinth, saying he feared it had been stolen and then drunk.

US artist Wayne Hill, had devised the artwork, a two-litre (3.5-pint) clear plastic bottle filled with melted ice from the Antarctic, to highlight the dangers of global warming.

Good. I doubt that Mr. Hill actually drove his VW bus to Antarctica to grab some ice. He probably just stopped at HEB and noticed that Dasani was having a sale. If you want to "highlight the dangers of global warming" then you should try a more haunting vision than a bottle of water. I would have drawn a picture of sad orphans spontaneously combusting due to the increased temperature. Sure it's bullshit but so is art.

I'm so sick of "artist" doing stupid shit and being regarded as visionaries. I'm about as artsy fartsy as they come and this makes me want to punch myself in the throat with brass knuckles, make a mold out of it, and sell it for 30 bucks. Well, maybe art is a good scam that I can get involved in. I can bullshit about anything and I smoke a lot of weed. I also hardly ever smile and I tell people that I'm having deep thoughts when I'm really just thinking about tits and/or basketball. That's pretty much what most artist do.

Miami residents angered over "Ghetto" talent show's watermelon eating contest

2005-07-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever said to yourself, "You know, I live here in the Miami area, and there's just nowhere to send my kids for the summer to teach them about racial stereotypes?" Well, wait no longer, you can send them to the "Ghetto Style Talent Show".

Miami city leaders are apologizing for a news release that invited summer campers to a ''Ghetto Style Talent Show'' and ''Watermelon Eating Contest.''
The release said that children participating in the summer camp who "know the meaning of ghetto style" would have a chance to "prove just how ghetto they are.''

Members of the black community expressed outrage at the wording of the invitation to the talent show. The show will be part of the grand finale picnic for the city's summer camp program to be held Friday at Hadley Park.

Wow. I'm not what you would call "politically correct", but even I have my limits. Those limits usually involve anything that would get my ass kicked by a bunch of black dudes, and I think a suggestion like this falls into that category.

Doonesbury is still Lame

2005-07-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - About a dozen newspapers have objected to use of toilet humor in Tuesday's and Wednesday's "Doonesbury" comic strip, and some either pulled or edited the strip.

Kansas City-based Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes the strip to around 1,400 newspapers, said it had received some complaints from editors about a reference to presidential aide Karl Rove.

In the strip, a caricature of President Bush refers to Rove as "turd blossom".

Doonesbury should be pulled from every newspaper. The creator should be pulled out into the street and forced to make out with an AK-47. This should happen but not because of "turd blossom" this should happen because Doonesbury is stupid. It's like they think they're too pretentious to be funny. As a matter of fact, fuck all newspaper comic strips. Who the hell reads that stuff? You know besides retardeds and bible thumping kids in search of something "edgy".

Since we can all agree that Doonesbury is dumb, the real question is "Is Karl Rove a turd blossom?" I've thought about this plenty of times. I certainly have no love for the Rove but I have to respect his evil genius. The guy made John McCain, a man that spent years in a tiger cage as a POW of the Vietnam war, into a big unpatriotic puss in the eyes of Americans.

Boy Scout Leaders Dead

2005-07-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

BOWLING GREEN, Virginia (AP) -- The National Boy Scout Jamboree closed to visitors for a day of grieving and reviewing safety procedures Tuesday following the deaths of four adult scout leaders in an electrical accident. Three sons of the victims returned home to Alaska, officials said.

There is your proof that God hates sodomite pedophiles. I swear I should have known that there wasn't a salad tossing badge. I hated scouts. I'm never going camping again.

National Boy Scout Jamboree? Couldn't they pick a more heterosexual sounding name?